[COLUMN] Hello norovirus!

@mlkchung writes:

You should congratulate everyone who was at #nash74 for surviving #pukegate2012!

Every year, many university newspapers, Imprint included, send some of its finest editors, reporters, and staff off to NASH, a national conference hosted by the Canadian University Press. This year, student journalists flocked to Victoria, B.C., for NASH74. Like any good conference out there, conference things happen! Delegates participate and network, speakers show up and ramble, and food gets prepared, served, and eaten.

You might think that attending this conference alone is worth getting congratulated for! Sure, the average conference is fun and all, but ultimately, they are a tad predictable. I mean, if NASH74 was the 74th annual occurrence of this conference, there must have been a NASH73, NASH72, and so on! Yeah, they change, but you get the general idea. The overall content of the conference, year to year, isn’t going to be mindblastingly different.

Something more noteworthy than just the overarching conference itself might be the things that transpire within. To put that in perspective, yes, there is a Super Bowl every year, and yes, there is a halftime show at the Super Bowl every year, but it isn’t every year that Justin Timberlake ruins Janet Jackson’s career with no repercussions to his own career.

While NASH74 may not have had Justin Timberlake nor a nip slip (or so I hope), there was indeed an incident of controversy at this conference. Students were reported to be displaying symptoms similar to those of the norovirus, once known as the Norwalk virus. Of the 350 conference attendees, at least 60 of them were confirmed to be afflicted by the symptoms, which notably include vomiting and watery diarrhea.

And yet here we are, days in the aftermath of this “#pukegate2012” incident. Congratulations, @mlkchung! Despite prolonged exposure to the norovirus, you’ve survived long enough to at least tweet about the incident! Sure, maybe you’ve been completely healthy, or maybe you’ve been puking your guts out, but at least you still maintain that crucial ability to tweet!

I am a little uncertain, however, about the overall outcome of these events. Yes, you’re well and tweeting now, but considering that student journalists infected with the norovirus were sent home, all across Canada, I can’t help but worry just a little bit. As such, I have prepared two additional congratulations for you, @mlkchung. Depending on how the next few days play out, you may read the respective congratulations as necessary.

Everyone gets healthier: Everyone returns home from NASH74, a little weary from the events, but all the smarter, gaining the precious knowledge from the conference, and lasting friendships from fellow delegates. While #pukegate2012 was unpleasant at the time, it ultimately makes for an entertaining story, retold all across the country by its many participants. Congratulations, @mlkchung and NASH74 participants: you’re healthy and your immune system is in fine working condition!

The sickness spreads: NASH74 comes to a startling end, its grand events marred by the sudden infection. Its delegates, worsened by the norovirus, return home in an unpleasant fashion, bowels evacuated and orifices exhausted. Quick searches on WebMD reassure the delegates that in short time, the norovirus will rid itself from their bodies, and they attempt to resume regular life.

Keyword: attempt.

The student journalists return to their regular duties: attending classes, putting together student newspapers, so on and so forth. Their deteriorating condition results in more frequent vomit attacks, and combined with newspapers carrying the virus, soon the majority of the student body is infected. Visiting high school students are quickly exposed to the virus, as are parents of university students fleeing home for caretaking. The supposed “norovirus” is widespread.

Soon, the death toll hits one, then two, then hundreds. Amidst the puke and deceased, bodies begin to reanimate, scientists having severely underestimated the norovirus. The so-called “norozombies” attack, leaving human flesh alone, but vomiting all over the living. Unable to reason with the norozombies, the living human survivors are soon overwhelmed by them. Modern society as we know it crumbles, and ceases to exist.

Congratulations, @mlkchung. You and your fellow NASH74 delegates are responsible for the end of the human civilization. As original carriers of the norovirus, and therefore parents to the norozombies, I hope you feel some semblance of pride.

[2012-01-20]

#congrats! #column #university of waterloo #imprint #newspaper #cup #nash74 #canadian university press #norovirus #norwalk #conference

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] Adult Mode: ACTIVATE

Leslie writes:

I’ve been on vacation in Barbados since January 6th! Sure, my friend and I have missed a good week of school or so, but with constant classes, volunteering, and employment, we need a break, and we just so happen to like the sun.

Leslie, you have a Facebook account, right? Of course you do, you’re a youngster; youngsters love to use Facebook and the Internet. If you’ve been paying attention to the status updates of your acquaintances at other universities – assuming that you have acquaintances at other universities – you’ll have noticed a lot of complaining about the first week of classes.

Now, the average University of Waterloo student will scoff at that! “Oh, we’ve already been in class for a week, suck it up!” But you? That probably doesn’t apply to you, because of that vacation thing of yours. But since you’re on vacation, you probably don’t care about school right now, and I think I initially had a point I was trying to make except what the heck are you doing don’t you have school or priorities I am so confused by your course of action seriously what the heck is going on with your life.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but there’s a little part of me that is full of strange mothering instincts. These strange mothering instincts tell me that it is okay to lash out at people with bold font and zero punctuation, but not okay to go take a vacation in Barbados at the beginning of the semester. I highly doubt we live in a post-apocalyptic Children of Men-esque society in which I am the only one with mothering tendencies, so I am reasonably certain some of you are also a tad confused.

And yet, it is because of these strange mothering instincts that I must wholeheartedly congratulate you, Leslie! Many people follow the words of others religiously, be it their parents, their extended family, their friends, or anyone else. You are an exception to this case, what with your trip to Barbados and all.

In spite of whatever commitments you might need to attend to, you decided that a trip to Barbados was what you wanted, and you went for it. This ability to make crucial decisions for yourself is laudable. You’re growing up, Leslie! While your body might not be going through changes like the last time you were “growing up,” you’re learning to do more with what you have by your own accord!

Just because you haven’t overthrown the pre-existing Barbadian government and ascended to the throne of the New Barbadian Empire doesn’t mean your trip isn’t worth a high five. Making a massive decision like this sets a precedent for you. When a difficult situation comes knocking, you won’t have to run away from it or defer it to someone else. You’ll stand up, and you’ll be able to make that tough call, because you’re a big girl now!

How often are people able to make decisions like these? Opting to go on vacation at the beginning of the term is daunting. Many of us have difficulty with simpler decisions, like what to eat for breakfast, what to wear to class, or whether or not to re-read last week’s You Are Superfantastic! column for the sixteenth time. In fact, many of us probably don’t even realize we’re pretty much all adults here, and we can do as we please. First year or fourth, we’re all at that stage of life where we don’t need our parents to hold our hand (though it is pretty awesome).

Congratulations, Leslie! You’re old enough to do what you want. You’re all grown up, and you don’t have to bend to every whim of someone else. I’m sure you’re aware of the consequences of going on vacation at the beginning of term, and I’m sure you’ve made preparations to compensate for those missed classes. You understand the weight of your actions, and you know how to react to it.

To paraphrase a line from xkcd, hey why does that Irresponsibly Optimistic comic look just like us you’re an adult now, and it’s your turn to decide what that means, and what you’re going to do about it.

[2012-01-13]

#congrats! #column #imprint #university of waterloo #newspaper #adult #barbados #vacation #school #holiday

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] It’s not the most wonderful time of the year

Julia writes:

I’ve survived yet another holiday season! I guess it’s not really a big deal, except my holidays tend to be filled with torment stemming from my surname: Christmas.

Oh, the winter break: a time of gathering, be it for a recognized holiday of significance or just for those government-mandated days off, coupled with gift-giving, food-eating, and lazy-being. I’d go on and on about how warm and fuzzy the winter holidays can make one feel, but FUN FACT: it’s over.

Congratulations, Julia! You, as well as everyone else reading this column, have survived yet another holiday season, as well as another year! Is this all that notable? Absolutely. To the person who lives day-to-day and scoffs at this, you sound like a hardly injured sports professional, but please, allow me to explain.

Julia’s survival of the holiday season seems pretty noteworthy to me. A lot of things are noteworthy to me, as that just so happens to be the purpose of this column. You Are Superfantastic! is a column about congratulating you and all those interesting shenanigans that you are up to!  Even if those shenanigans involve an overwhelming hatred for the word shenanigan (honestly, if that was the case, I wouldn’t blame you), I will heartily pat your back and tell you shenanigan looks rather awkward for a word.

Julia, I urge you to take a look at my last name. What is it? Chui! No, I am not related to Chewbacca. Take a look across your copy of Imprint (if you’re reading one), and check the names. Is there a Johnny Thanksgiving? Is there a Jackie Family Day? Is there a Cuba Good Friday Jr.? To the best of my recollection, there are no such people at Imprint! Chances are, those people are pretty rare, if not non-existent altogether!

(As an aside, ten points to you if you can find a person in the paper with a Pokémon for a last name)

The basic idea is that Christmas is a reasonably uncommon last name. I’m sure that at Christmas family reunions, there are tons of Christmas people and a few lost holiday shoppers, but the point stands: you have a name that stands out!

However, as the case is with anything that sticks out is the fact that someone will take note of it and attempt to be funny about it. Multiple people have probably tried to wish you happy birthday on Christmas Day, thinking they’re original and hilarious. I bet you’ve watched the film The World Is Not Enough, and oh, I bet you absolutely loathe the ending quip by 007. I’m sure Pierce Brosnan is a nice guy and all, but no exceptions, am I right?

But like I said at the very beginning of the column: the holiday season is over. Winter break is done. Classes have started again, new issues of Imprint are filling up the shelves, and holiday memorabilia is on discount now. You’ve survived, and if anything, that’s a testament to your strength and toughness! Sure, you might consider it to be “torment,” but when you’ve dealt with this for years, you build up a resistance. It becomes familiar.

To quote a rather morbid idiom, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words simply can’t hurt you! You’re extremely resilient, and this Christmas-abuse isn’t something everyone can handle. It’s almost like a superpower, if you were a heroine with extremely underwhelming abilities! Your archnemesis might try to figure out new ways to hurt you with words, but you’ll always manage to bounce back and defeat them with your imperviousness to words!

Regardless of superpowers or not, you’ve still got a pretty sweet last name. You’re also insusceptible to its associated jokes, and you’ve made it past the holidays to the new year. Not everyone can lay claim to those achievements, so congratulations, Julia! Enjoy what benefits your surname might bring you; I’m sure something nicer than a column will eventually come up.

Also, you can’t really blame Father Christmas for your name.

[2012-01-06]

#congrats! #column #imprint #university of waterloo #christmas #holidays #newspaper

Posted by ronroninabox

Stop SOPA! Continue soaping.

Rather than actually discuss SOPA, I have prepared a few lists for you to consider. It’s mostly because I am probably terrible at explaining things, but bear in mind that far more knowledgeable people may have weighed in on topics like this. ANYWAY:

SITES YOU SHOULD GO ON TODAY FOR FUNZIES:

1. Wikipedia! I’m sure there’s some random facts out there that you wanna know about, like the season four finale of Breaking Bad or the feeding habits of the beaver.
2. Reddit! Y’alls need a karma fix, yeh? Oh wait, y’alls are tumblr-users, and tumblarity is a thing of the old, old past. Otherwise, there’s quality content up there, amirite?
3. Nedroid! I don’t know about you, but I like webcomics about a talking bird and a potato-shaped bear! Oh, the shenanigans!
4. Dinosaur Comics! The only way you can improve a webcomic that has dinosaurs in it is by making them static clipart dinosaurs THAT NEVER CHANGE.
5. Questionable Content! What about webcomics with melodrama? It’s like drama, but with the melo- prefix as an added bonus!
6. Boing Boing! I actually haven’t got a clue as to what this site is about, but I think you get the general idea now, yeh?

THINGS THAT MIGHT CHANGE ABOUT YOUARESUPERFANTASTIC.COM AND ITS RELATED COLUMN, YOU ARE SUPERFANTASTIC!, SHOULD SOPA/PIPA PASS:

1. Congratulations made on this site might become uncomfortable stiff! Like, “Salutations friend, congratulations on your grand achievement,” kind of stiff!
2. Posts, should they continue, will become dull and less ingrained in today’s happenings! Y’know, because referencing today’s happenings would be a violation of copyright!
3. Your own achievements might even be a source of trouble as well! Those little blurbs you write MIGHT NOT BE THAT LITTLE AFTER ALL. Well, not really when compared to my posts, pre-SOPA.
4. Those .gifs that I sometimes make would have to stop altogether! In fact, all of Tumblr would have to stop. In fact, I don’t even think Tumblr would work at all! Reblogs would just be SOPAbait.

BAD PUNS RELATING TO SOPA AND PIPA:

1. Just because so many out there advocate stopping SOPA does NOT mean you should stop caring for your personal hygiene. Ha, ha! Get it? It’s because SOPA sounds like soap, except under SOPA, someone would probably drop the hammer on this site because someone out there has most likely already made that terrible, terrible pun.
2. PIPA has nothing to do with your Pipboy or Pippi Longstocking, but your references to those copyrighted materials might get you in trouble! Did you pay for your Fallout game and Pippi Longstocking DVDs? TOO BAD, PIPA don’t care! PIPA don’t give a SOPA!

MORE INFORMATIVE LINKS THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL FOR YOU:

1. The article that the blacked out Wikipedia page links to.
2. An article detailing the issues surrounding SOPA and PIPA.
3. A petition type thing. Y’know, for the purpose of petitioning your local politicians about the whole debacle. 

If you would like to see the continued growth of a free, uncensored Internet, then please please PLEASE do your part, and contact your elected representatives know that you will not stand for this.

#nongrats? #sopa #internet #us #law #pipa

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] Writing is kinda hard, yo.

Caitlin writes:

I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, and somehow, I’ve managed to finish the 50,000 word requirement to complete the challenge of writing a novel, despite leaving 30,000 of those words for the last two weeks!

November is a month of many occasions – Remembrance Day, U.S. Thanksgiving (a.k.a. Round Two for some of us Canadians), Black Friday, Movember, and of course, NaNoWriMo, more formally known as National Novel Writing Month. While some of you might have spent your November growing facial hair, others like Caitlin have spent it writing a novel (and presumably growing facial hair on the side).

Regardless of whether or not writing is your forte, it’s quite fair to say that a novel is no easy thing to write! From a purely numerical standpoint, that’s 50,000 words, or roughly 100 people congratulated by this column. But no good novel consists solely of people getting their horns tooted!

(As an aside, that would make for the worst detective fiction novel ever: “Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the UWaterloo Horn Tooter” and its eventual movie adaptation, “Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Horn Tooting,” starring Robert Downey Jr. as international millionaire playboy Tony Stark.)

With novels, it’s not just about reaching the 50,000 word requirement. There needs to be plot, relatable characters, and an overall journey that takes readers into a whole different world. If I’m doing a bad job of describing what it’s like to write a novel, that’s because quite frankly, I don’t know how to write a novel. I’m a columnist, not a literary genius!

Caitlin, I’m not saying you’re a literary genius – heck, you could be terrible for all I know – but what I do know is that it’s a gutsy move on your part to participate in NaNoWriMo. It’s a major commitment that you’ve undertaken on top of the demands of university and whatever else you might have to contend with. Is completing a novel over the course of merely a month worth a high five? I think it’s worth at least ten thousand high fives, if not more.  

Congratulations, Caitlin! You’ve successfully participated in NaNoWriMo and written a novel in its entirety! That’s a major hurdle for you to have successfully leapt over!

Now, if you’ve paid even the slightest attention to a hurdles race beyond the part with a gun, you’ll know that there is more than one hurdle in the race! Guess what, Caitlin? You’ve only jumped over one hurdle in this literary race.

 What’s the next hurdle? Sequels! You might be able to spin a riveting tale of tooting and horns, but where does the story go from there? Consider how busy you might’ve been over November – now consider living like that forever! You’re well on your path to becoming a true writer now.

But while you might have one leg outstretched over the sequel hurdle, bear in mind that these hurdles aren’t evenly spaced out in a nice, orderly fashion. There’s the next hurdle, unemployment, which is bound to happen if you decide to write full-time. Immediately after is the hurdle of not being able to afford groceries, which is directly connected to the next hurdle of crippling hunger! Don’t like where this metaphor is going? TOO BAD – the next hurdle is not being able to afford a better metaphor.

The imagery may be harsh and cruel, but I am preparing you for the worst. A more likely situation is that you’ll continue on with your university career, finish your degree, acquire a decent-paying job and build on your career from there, while participating in NaNoWriMo every November. It’s pretty much in line with what you’re up to now! Chances are, your life won’t go spiralling down a terrible abyss.

So props, Caitlin. I salute your impressive achievement, I wish the absolute best in your future novel endeavours, and now, I have some inclination to read your novel. I hope I get to read about some horns getting tooted! And to readers, congratulations! You’ve survived reading this column for two terms now. I hope that somehow makes you feel good about yourself. If not? Then MAYBE NEXT TIME. I can’t toot that many horns all at once.

[2011-12-02]

#congrats! #imprint #column #university of waterloo #writing

Posted by ronroninabox