A disclaimer: this “column” wasn’t written for Imprint itself, but rather for Misprint, an insert in the issue closest to April Fool’s Day for, well, April Fool’s Day. Is it a bit touchier than usual? Possibly! Does someone still get congratulated? Yes! Do I feel like a terrible person after writing this? Absolutely.
You can read Misprint in its entirety here.The column itself is on page 12, and no, my name is not Hanan Chewy.
I’d like to see Joseph Kony congratulated for being famous.
Congratulations, Joe! Can I call you that now? Joe? I’m just sayin’, it’s a more marketable name – it’s casual, it’s relaxed, it’s something all the cool kids would like these days, which is important to you, because you’re now a world famous celebrity! Rejoice in the spotlight of the world! Everyone’s eyes are on you! In fact, you’re probably so famous that, if you really wanted to, you could literally have everyone’s eyes on you! Gross!
You’re a famous man now, and in order to maintain your fame, you need to establish a solid, lasting brand. Sure, KONY 2012 is popular now, but in a year, it’s going to be the year 2013, and KONY 2012 is going to be so 2012. You want to be timeless. If you enjoy things like rhyming and rapping, you could change your name to JoKo, which would be conducive to comparisons to Four Loko! If you prefer to be more efficient, you could consider instead JKo! It’s kinda like JLo, except I’m not really sure if your love don’t cost a thing.
With your level of fame, you could easily spread your reach. People would probably be more than willing to buy merchandise simply adorned with KONY on it! However, with an improved, sleek name like JoKo or JKo, the possibilities expand! You wouldn’t just rap about Four Loko, you would be Four Loko, with the all-new limited edition Four JoKo flavour! You could probably release pylons under the name JKone! The licensing doesn’t end there: JKo cutlery, JoKo backpacks, JKo stationery – there is so much you could do with your name.
Your namesake might even catch the eye of bootleggers! You could probably scour the city’s sketchy sidestreets and find shoddily-manufactured “JoeKoe” keychains and phone cases. Pfft, child labour. You might want to do something about the fake merchandise, but nonetheless, imitation is the highest form of flattery – it just so happens that the highest form of flattery also tends to lend itself to litigation! High five, legal system!
There is, however, one medium that all celebrities flock to, and it is that of the moving picture. Anyone really can get on a television show, but it takes far more clout to actually have your own television show. Why let someone fire you from a fake television job when you could be the one setting contestants on fire? Why let someone break your heart on national television? You’re better than that, JoKo – you could totally break millions of hearts and have massive audiences watch in disbelief as you make extremely disagreeable decisions!
However, the most infamous thing you could possibly do – and I mean the most infamous thing ever – is to make a sex tape. Let’s face it, there’s only so far you can go with television and standard merchandise. Here, you are entering uncharted waters – sexy, sexy uncharted waters. At your level of celebrity, people are clamouring to see some naked JoKo action. They see all those young, hip kids you hang out with, and they can’t help but wonder just what you do behind closed doors. Other celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have benefited from releasing a sex tape. Tell me, JoKo, is Paris Hilton more famous than you? Are you no better than a Kardashian? Go on, get busy, and get filming, buddy. You know you crave that fame.
Nonetheless, good job, JoKo! You’re indeed quite the famous individual. Hearty congratulations are in order! You’re probably famous enough to start a high five club if you wanted to, so I’m not going to high five you! It’s kinda crazy how quickly people can explode with fame, but if you play your cards right, you can keep that celebrity status going. Keep it up, JoKo! Just remember, if you ever explode with fame again, make sure you go nuts with it in public, and definitely make sure someone records it, as you frolic across the streets in your naked, famous splendor.
#congrats! #imprint #column #misprint #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #kony 2012 #joseph kony #famous #merchandising #licensing #money #dope #swag
Posted by ronroninabox
I managed to plan the perfect weekend for my girlfriend’s birthday. I planned to bring her to the Maple Syrup Festival on Saturday, March 24th, 2012. Her birthday was just before the weekend so I surprised her by writing the itinerary into the cover of her birthday card. It was perfect – no spelling mistakes. On Saturday, March 24th, we headed down to Elmira to attend the Maple Syrup Festival. When we arrived, we saw a sign that said, “Maple Syrup Festival – March 31st, 2012.” It was perfect – for the following weekend.
So to sum it up, I’d like to be congratulated on the perfect surprise birthday for my girlfriend that was actually not perfect, won’t be a surprise by the time her birthday comes around, and won’t be close to her birthday. Perfect.
Congratulations, Benjamin! You are terrible at planning! If you were a wedding planner, not only would you look nothing like Jennifer Lopez, you would probably be out of a job! If you were an urban planning student, your homework would probably consist of pictures of rappers and hip-hop artists! If I was a cat that spoke in puns, your girlfriend’s birthday weekend would not have been purrfect.
I’ll give you some credit – you did provide a perfect birthday card, and the surprise was decently implemented. Given your error-free itinerary, I am reasonably certain that you’ve passed your ELPE, and that you have some level of carefulness! Furthermore, you had some element of surprise on your side, and I’m sure you had a leg up on your girlfriend. I don’t know if you’d make Admiral Ackbar shout, “IT’S A TRAP,” but I’m sure you’d at least startle his big, fishy face.
However, a strong start means nothing if you drop the ball midway through and don’t pick it back up. You seem to be channeling the Toronto Maple Leafs, because you seemed to have done so well, only to neglect finishing the job halfway through. What good is a surprise if there’s nothing to actually surprise your girlfriend with? It’s like setting up a grand, impressive bar mitzvah, only to realize you’ve hired a priest instead of a rabbi – it’s an extremely awkward letdown.
I am heaping nothing but bad words upon you, Benjamin, so I apologize. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re like any other dude with the name “Ben,” but you’re 100% more jammin’! Terrible name-pun aside, you do have a moderately interesting story to retell, assuming you’re okay with being the butt of the joke. I have good news for your girlfriend, however, so please kindly stop reading and pass your copy of Imprint over to your girlfriend right meow.
Congratulations, Benjamin’s girlfriend! Your boyfriend will never be a warlord, or a successful one, at least. This is probably good news for you! People who aren’t warlords have a higher chance of long-term survival than those who are warlords! I don’t have any scientific backing for this claim yet, but considering that people who aren’t warlords aren’t constantly in peril, I’d daresay they’ll survive just a wee bit longer than the average warlord!
I know there’s a small niche of ladies out there that prefer big, hulking warlords. That’s great and all, but in this day and age, most people settle things diplomatically, with words and money! You’ve seen Benjamin try to be sneaky – can you imagine that in a wartime setting? Clearly, Benjamin would not be the one leading a risky ambush on the Imperial Empire. You’d leave that to the trained Jedi Knights!
But does Benjamin’s lack of stealth and surprise put him at a disadvantage? Absolutely not! Look at what he’s done for you already: he’s given you a birthday card perfect in all respects, he put the effort into planning a surprise weekend, and for all I know, he piggybacked you all the way to Elmira!
The execution may not have been perfect, but in this case, it’s the effort that counts. Between the meticulous detail in your birthday card, the piggyback ride, and the audacity to write a friggin’ essay asking to be congratulated, your boyfriend Benjamin might not be a warlord, but he’s certainly a keeper. Congrats, Benjamin’s girlfriend! I hope you two get to enjoy all the maple syrup you want.
Oh, and happy birthday, I guess?
#congrats! #imprint #newspaper #column #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #maple syrup festival #girlfriend #birthday #plan #surprise
Posted by ronroninabox
Some awesome ENV kids won a WESEF grant for $60,000 to improve the ENV coffeeshop and make it exponentially more AWESOME!
Ah, good ol’ money. Fact: money makes the world go ‘round! I know this to be true from the song cleverly titled “Money” from the musical Cabaret! Thus, we can extrapolate that with more money, one would naturally be able to exert more control over the rate at which the world goes ‘round! With this information on the table, I can safely declare the following:
Congratulations! The Environment Student Society is one step closer to gaining control of the Earth’s rotations! This may sound dubious and totally supervillain-esque, but I suppose if an organization had to gain control of the Earth’s rotations, it’d be best in the hands of an organization that knows what it’s doing!
You may brush this off as mere hyperbole, and I don’t blame you – it sounds like there’s a valid plan in place! These ENV students entered a competition for funding from the Waterloo Environment Students Endowment Fund, emerging victorious among a plethora of candidates. The $60,000 award is set to renovate the coffee shop with sustainable materials and energy-efficient appliances, while also allowing for an expanded menu! On top of all that, if this is a grant, then that $60,000 eventually has to go back to the WESEF! That doesn’t sound supervillain-esque at all, right? It’s the perfect cover.
I should note that a supervillain is not necessarily a bad businessperson. Sure, you have buffoons like Team Rocket who somehow have the funding to build Pokémon-themed robots for any occasion, but then you have supervillains who actually know how to invest. Lex Luthor comes to mind, though I should clarify that not all supervillains are superbald. There’s also Norman Osborn, aka the first Green Goblin, and unlike Lex, his green coloration is somewhat thematically linked to the Faculty of Environment!
But I digress. A good supervillain knows that success does not come overnight. By spending the money on renovations, the ESS can ensure a stronger, sustainable future for their nefarious needs! Not only that, but they can better serve the students that frequent the coffee shop, on the off-chance that the ESS doesn’t consist of supervillains! If that’s the case, then the ESS coffee shop’s renovations might actually benefit the student body loads!
Maybe I’m in the wrong for so quickly accusing the ESS of being supervillains. As far as I know, there are no superheroes in direct opposition to the ESS, so that’s a bit of a good sign. The WESEF is also pretty legitimate and proper, especially with the fact that the remainder of the competition’s money went to installing bicycle racks and improved water fountains. Everybody knows bicycles are totally innocuous and incapable of heinous crimes!
The facts do point toward these renovations being good-natured and to the benefit of the students. If that is the case, then congratulations! These mystery “ENV kids” have done a great service for the students, and I’m sure this wasn’t something that came up over the course of an hour. There likely was a formal proposal, hours of research, and a lot of drumming up support. This is no easy feat, but you lot got the money, and now the ESS coffee shop is going to be better than ever.
Congratulations, you guys! I look forward to continuing to forget to visit the ESS coffeeshop, renovated or not. And if you guys have got me fooled and are actually supervillains? Well, gain control of the Earth’s rotations all you want, I really don’t know what that can do, unless your wicked, sinister plans include turning the Earth into a giant Beyblade.
#congrats! #column #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #newspaper #imprint #env #es #wesef #grant #coffee shop #money
Posted by ronroninabox