A disclaimer: this “column” wasn’t written for Imprint itself, but rather for Misprint, an insert in the issue closest to April Fool’s Day for, well, April Fool’s Day. Is it a bit touchier than usual? Possibly! Does someone still get congratulated? Yes! Do I feel like a terrible person after writing this? Absolutely.
You can read Misprint in its entirety here.The column itself is on page 12, and no, my name is not Hanan Chewy.
I’d like to see Joseph Kony congratulated for being famous.
Congratulations, Joe! Can I call you that now? Joe? I’m just sayin’, it’s a more marketable name – it’s casual, it’s relaxed, it’s something all the cool kids would like these days, which is important to you, because you’re now a world famous celebrity! Rejoice in the spotlight of the world! Everyone’s eyes are on you! In fact, you’re probably so famous that, if you really wanted to, you could literally have everyone’s eyes on you! Gross!
You’re a famous man now, and in order to maintain your fame, you need to establish a solid, lasting brand. Sure, KONY 2012 is popular now, but in a year, it’s going to be the year 2013, and KONY 2012 is going to be so 2012. You want to be timeless. If you enjoy things like rhyming and rapping, you could change your name to JoKo, which would be conducive to comparisons to Four Loko! If you prefer to be more efficient, you could consider instead JKo! It’s kinda like JLo, except I’m not really sure if your love don’t cost a thing.
With your level of fame, you could easily spread your reach. People would probably be more than willing to buy merchandise simply adorned with KONY on it! However, with an improved, sleek name like JoKo or JKo, the possibilities expand! You wouldn’t just rap about Four Loko, you would be Four Loko, with the all-new limited edition Four JoKo flavour! You could probably release pylons under the name JKone! The licensing doesn’t end there: JKo cutlery, JoKo backpacks, JKo stationery – there is so much you could do with your name.
Your namesake might even catch the eye of bootleggers! You could probably scour the city’s sketchy sidestreets and find shoddily-manufactured “JoeKoe” keychains and phone cases. Pfft, child labour. You might want to do something about the fake merchandise, but nonetheless, imitation is the highest form of flattery – it just so happens that the highest form of flattery also tends to lend itself to litigation! High five, legal system!
There is, however, one medium that all celebrities flock to, and it is that of the moving picture. Anyone really can get on a television show, but it takes far more clout to actually have your own television show. Why let someone fire you from a fake television job when you could be the one setting contestants on fire? Why let someone break your heart on national television? You’re better than that, JoKo – you could totally break millions of hearts and have massive audiences watch in disbelief as you make extremely disagreeable decisions!
However, the most infamous thing you could possibly do – and I mean the most infamous thing ever – is to make a sex tape. Let’s face it, there’s only so far you can go with television and standard merchandise. Here, you are entering uncharted waters – sexy, sexy uncharted waters. At your level of celebrity, people are clamouring to see some naked JoKo action. They see all those young, hip kids you hang out with, and they can’t help but wonder just what you do behind closed doors. Other celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have benefited from releasing a sex tape. Tell me, JoKo, is Paris Hilton more famous than you? Are you no better than a Kardashian? Go on, get busy, and get filming, buddy. You know you crave that fame.
Nonetheless, good job, JoKo! You’re indeed quite the famous individual. Hearty congratulations are in order! You’re probably famous enough to start a high five club if you wanted to, so I’m not going to high five you! It’s kinda crazy how quickly people can explode with fame, but if you play your cards right, you can keep that celebrity status going. Keep it up, JoKo! Just remember, if you ever explode with fame again, make sure you go nuts with it in public, and definitely make sure someone records it, as you frolic across the streets in your naked, famous splendor.
#university of waterloo
Posted by ronroninabox