YOU ARE SUPERFANTASTIC!

You Are Superfantastic! elsewhere on the Internet!

ronroninabox — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:38:46 -0400

You Are Superfantastic! elsewhere on the Internet!:

Hello! Despite the fact that I’ve still been writing for Imprint this term, I haven’t been updating this site with recent columns. While it’s most likely been because I am criminally lazy, the “official reason” is that the Imprint website wasn’t getting updated and as a result, I’d have nothing to link back to, because I like linking back to things!

Now, that reason has been shattered into a billion pieces that I don’t particularly care to pick up again!

Imprint’s website has had a pretty substantial revamp, looks all sorts of lovely, and is pleasant to read. Better yet, my column is all up there too! Best of all, there’s even a specific “series” section for columns, and indeed there is one for You Are Superfantastic! that you can view by clicking on this long hyperlink or on this post’s title!

I’ll be posting up columns soon-ish. Fun times! Hope you lot out there are doing well, and remember, shooting things to YASF!’s ask box won’t result in an answer, it’ll result in congratulations! So indeed, shoot things to that ask box if you like congratulations.

[Editor’s note: I wrote this a few weeks back, but then opted not to post it because I managed to screw up the domain name of the site for quite some time. I seem to have fixed it now, so that excuse is also out the window! It is also out the wall, and also out the sweat drip down my balls. Basically, posts! Soon! Rejoice!]

[COLUMN] KONY 2012? KONY FOREVER (Misprint)

ronroninabox — Wed, 09 May 2012 09:01:00 -0400

A disclaimer: this “column” wasn’t written for Imprint itself, but rather for Misprint, an insert in the issue closest to April Fool’s Day for, well, April Fool’s Day. Is it a bit touchier than usual? Possibly! Does someone still get congratulated? Yes! Do I feel like a terrible person after writing this? Absolutely.

You can read Misprint in its entirety here.The column itself is on page 12, and no, my name is not Hanan Chewy.

Jeffrey writes:

I’d like to see Joseph Kony congratulated for being famous.

Congratulations, Joe! Can I call you that now? Joe? I’m just sayin’, it’s a more marketable name – it’s casual, it’s relaxed, it’s something all the cool kids would like these days, which is important to you, because you’re now a world famous celebrity! Rejoice in the spotlight of the world! Everyone’s eyes are on you! In fact, you’re probably so famous that, if you really wanted to, you could literally have everyone’s eyes on you! Gross!

You’re a famous man now, and in order to maintain your fame, you need to establish a solid, lasting brand. Sure, KONY 2012 is popular now, but in a year, it’s going to be the year 2013, and KONY 2012 is going to be so 2012. You want to be timeless. If you enjoy things like rhyming and rapping, you could change your name to JoKo, which would be conducive to comparisons to Four Loko! If you prefer to be more efficient, you could consider instead JKo! It’s kinda like JLo, except I’m not really sure if your love don’t cost a thing.

With your level of fame, you could easily spread your reach. People would probably be more than willing to buy merchandise simply adorned with KONY on it! However, with an improved, sleek name like JoKo or JKo, the possibilities expand! You wouldn’t just rap about Four Loko, you would be Four Loko, with the all-new limited edition Four JoKo flavour! You could probably release pylons under the name JKone! The licensing doesn’t end there: JKo cutlery, JoKo backpacks, JKo stationery – there is so much you could do with your name.

Your namesake might even catch the eye of bootleggers! You could probably scour the city’s sketchy sidestreets and find shoddily-manufactured “JoeKoe” keychains and phone cases. Pfft, child labour. You might want to do something about the fake merchandise, but nonetheless, imitation is the highest form of flattery – it just so happens that the highest form of flattery also tends to lend itself to litigation! High five, legal system!

There is, however, one medium that all celebrities flock to, and it is that of the moving picture. Anyone really can get on a television show, but it takes far more clout to actually have your own television show. Why let someone fire you from a fake television job when you could be the one setting contestants on fire? Why let someone break your heart on national television? You’re better than that, JoKo – you could totally break millions of hearts and have massive audiences watch in disbelief as you make extremely disagreeable decisions!

However, the most infamous thing you could possibly do – and I mean the most infamous thing ever – is to make a sex tape. Let’s face it, there’s only so far you can go with television and standard merchandise. Here, you are entering uncharted waters – sexy, sexy uncharted waters. At your level of celebrity, people are clamouring to see some naked JoKo action. They see all those young, hip kids you hang out with, and they can’t help but wonder just what you do behind closed doors. Other celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have benefited from releasing a sex tape. Tell me, JoKo, is Paris Hilton more famous than you? Are you no better than a Kardashian? Go on, get busy, and get filming, buddy. You know you crave that fame.

Nonetheless, good job, JoKo! You’re indeed quite the famous individual. Hearty congratulations are in order! You’re probably famous enough to start a high five club if you wanted to, so I’m not going to high five you! It’s kinda crazy how quickly people can explode with fame, but if you play your cards right, you can keep that celebrity status going. Keep it up, JoKo! Just remember, if you ever explode with fame again, make sure you go nuts with it in public, and definitely make sure someone records it, as you frolic across the streets in your naked, famous splendor.

[2012-04-01]

[COLUMN] It's not a trap! It's a surprise.

ronroninabox — Tue, 08 May 2012 09:01:14 -0400

Benjamin writes:

I managed to plan the perfect weekend for my girlfriend’s birthday. I planned to bring her to the Maple Syrup Festival on Saturday, March 24th, 2012. Her birthday was just before the weekend so I surprised her by writing the itinerary into the cover of her birthday card. It was perfect – no spelling mistakes. On Saturday, March 24th, we headed down to Elmira to attend the Maple Syrup Festival. When we arrived, we saw a sign that said, “Maple Syrup Festival – March 31st, 2012.” It was perfect – for the following weekend.

So to sum it up, I’d like to be congratulated on the perfect surprise birthday for my girlfriend that was actually not perfect, won’t be a surprise by the time her birthday comes around, and won’t be close to her birthday. Perfect.

Congratulations, Benjamin! You are terrible at planning! If you were a wedding planner, not only would you look nothing like Jennifer Lopez, you would probably be out of a job! If you were an urban planning student, your homework would probably consist of pictures of rappers and hip-hop artists! If I was a cat that spoke in puns, your girlfriend’s birthday weekend would not have been purrfect.

I’ll give you some credit – you did provide a perfect birthday card, and the surprise was decently implemented. Given your error-free itinerary, I am reasonably certain that you’ve passed your ELPE, and that you have some level of carefulness! Furthermore, you had some element of surprise on your side, and I’m sure you had a leg up on your girlfriend. I don’t know if you’d make Admiral Ackbar shout, “IT’S A TRAP,” but I’m sure you’d at least startle his big, fishy face.

However, a strong start means nothing if you drop the ball midway through and don’t pick it back up. You seem to be channeling the Toronto Maple Leafs, because you seemed to have done so well, only to neglect finishing the job halfway through. What good is a surprise if there’s nothing to actually surprise your girlfriend with? It’s like setting up a grand, impressive bar mitzvah, only to realize you’ve hired a priest instead of a rabbi – it’s an extremely awkward letdown.

I am heaping nothing but bad words upon you, Benjamin, so I apologize. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re like any other dude with the name “Ben,” but you’re 100% more jammin’! Terrible name-pun aside, you do have a moderately interesting story to retell, assuming you’re okay with being the butt of the joke. I have good news for your girlfriend, however, so please kindly stop reading and pass your copy of Imprint over to your girlfriend right meow.

Congratulations, Benjamin’s girlfriend! Your boyfriend will never be a warlord, or a successful one, at least. This is probably good news for you! People who aren’t warlords have a higher chance of long-term survival than those who are warlords! I don’t have any scientific backing for this claim yet, but considering that people who aren’t warlords aren’t constantly in peril, I’d daresay they’ll survive just a wee bit longer than the average warlord!

I know there’s a small niche of ladies out there that prefer big, hulking warlords. That’s great and all, but in this day and age, most people settle things diplomatically, with words and money! You’ve seen Benjamin try to be sneaky – can you imagine that in a wartime setting? Clearly, Benjamin would not be the one leading a risky ambush on the Imperial Empire. You’d leave that to the trained Jedi Knights!

But does Benjamin’s lack of stealth and surprise put him at a disadvantage? Absolutely not! Look at what he’s done for you already: he’s given you a birthday card perfect in all respects, he put the effort into planning a surprise weekend, and for all I know, he piggybacked you all the way to Elmira!

The execution may not have been perfect, but in this case, it’s the effort that counts. Between the meticulous detail in your birthday card, the piggyback ride, and the audacity to write a friggin’ essay asking to be congratulated, your boyfriend Benjamin might not be a warlord, but he’s certainly a keeper. Congrats, Benjamin’s girlfriend! I hope you two get to enjoy all the maple syrup you want.

Oh, and happy birthday, I guess?

[2012-03-30]

[COLUMN] E-N-V-S! You can't spell supervillain without E-S!

ronroninabox — Mon, 07 May 2012 08:59:32 -0400

@stevekrysak tweets:

Some awesome ENV kids won a WESEF grant for $60,000 to improve the ENV coffeeshop and make it exponentially more AWESOME!

Ah, good ol’ money. Fact: money makes the world go ‘round! I know this to be true from the song cleverly titled “Money” from the musical Cabaret! Thus, we can extrapolate that with more money, one would naturally be able to exert more control over the rate at which the world goes ‘round! With this information on the table, I can safely declare the following:

Congratulations! The Environment Student Society is one step closer to gaining control of the Earth’s rotations! This may sound dubious and totally supervillain-esque, but I suppose if an organization had to gain control of the Earth’s rotations, it’d be best in the hands of an organization that knows what it’s doing!

You may brush this off as mere hyperbole, and I don’t blame you – it sounds like there’s a valid plan in place! These ENV students entered a competition for funding from the Waterloo Environment Students Endowment Fund, emerging victorious among a plethora of candidates. The $60,000 award is set to renovate the coffee shop with sustainable materials and energy-efficient appliances, while also allowing for an expanded menu! On top of all that, if this is a grant, then that $60,000 eventually has to go back to the WESEF! That doesn’t sound supervillain-esque at all, right? It’s the perfect cover.

I should note that a supervillain is not necessarily a bad businessperson. Sure, you have buffoons like Team Rocket who somehow have the funding to build Pokémon-themed robots for any occasion, but then you have supervillains who actually know how to invest. Lex Luthor comes to mind, though I should clarify that not all supervillains are superbald. There’s also Norman Osborn, aka the first Green Goblin, and unlike Lex, his green coloration is somewhat thematically linked to the Faculty of Environment!

But I digress. A good supervillain knows that success does not come overnight. By spending the money on renovations, the ESS can ensure a stronger, sustainable future for their nefarious needs! Not only that, but they can better serve the students that frequent the coffee shop, on the off-chance that the ESS doesn’t consist of supervillains! If that’s the case, then the ESS coffee shop’s renovations might actually benefit the student body loads!

Maybe I’m in the wrong for so quickly accusing the ESS of being supervillains. As far as I know, there are no superheroes in direct opposition to the ESS, so that’s a bit of a good sign. The WESEF is also pretty legitimate and proper, especially with the fact that the remainder of the competition’s money went to installing bicycle racks and improved water fountains. Everybody knows bicycles are totally innocuous and incapable of heinous crimes!

The facts do point toward these renovations being good-natured and to the benefit of the students. If that is the case, then congratulations! These mystery “ENV kids” have done a great service for the students, and I’m sure this wasn’t something that came up over the course of an hour. There likely was a formal proposal, hours of research, and a lot of drumming up support. This is no easy feat, but you lot got the money, and now the ESS coffee shop is going to be better than ever.

Congratulations, you guys! I look forward to continuing to forget to visit the ESS coffeeshop, renovated or not. And if you guys have got me fooled and are actually supervillains? Well, gain control of the Earth’s rotations all you want, I really don’t know what that can do, unless your wicked, sinister plans include turning the Earth into a giant Beyblade.

[2012-03-23]

[COLUMN] Sometimes, being premature is okay!

ronroninabox — Sun, 06 May 2012 09:02:36 -0400

Anonymous writes:

Guess what. I finally finished university. Exciting huh? I am excited despite the lack of !!!! I am going to Cuba to celebrate. Until then I will be taking naps and watching hilarious episodes of Community.

Congratulations! You’re apparently done university! I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked, there were still a few weeks left of class, with exams as the cherry on top! I’m not sayin’ that you’re a liar – if you are, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE ON YOUR PANTS – but it seems slightly unlikely that you’d be done with classes this quickly!

But hey, this very well could be the one thing that people would want to come prematurely. Y’know, put in the hard labour, get the learning out of the way, then lay in bed lazily afterward, exhausted. If you speak the truth, then my gosh, did you get lucky or what?

One thing I do feel I should note: assuming you’re a student at the University of Waterloo (I mean this is for a column at UW), you’d know for a fact that you have to pass something called the ELPE. Y’know, something something proficient at the English language something. I don’t want to lecture you too thoroughly about your English usage – after all, my column’s name includes the word “superfantastic” – but there are only so many errors that one can overlook.

“Guess what” is an ineffective statement, as it should be worded as a question, and if you truly wanted me to guess, you’d have given me some time to guess! Put in a line break or something! Furthermore, what exactly is a “lack of !!!!” supposed to refer to? My best guess is that your sentence refers to a lack of the band “!!!” followed by an exclamation mark, but I’m not sure how many people listen to a band that is staggeringly difficult to look up on Google. Otherwise, I can’t think of any explanation for “!!!!” – maybe there are no exclamation marks in Cuba? Shame on you, Mr. Castro.

However, nitpicking at your one sentence doesn’t change the fact that you’re done university! Chances are, you turned on the good grammar just for the ELPE. I don’t know about the full extent of your post-graduate plans – maybe napping and watching Community is indeed a valid career path – but hey, at least you’ve got some semblance of a plan! Planning is important, and I know this to be fact because the University of Waterloo has a program dedicated to planning!

Thus, with a reasonably sound plan in place, if you can carry it out successfully, I daresay you might be on track for a good time! Judging from statistics derived from both students and old people, naps are good for you and frequently taken! That alone is worth a high five, though if I tried to high five you while napping, it might just look like assault.

Regardless, congratulations on finishing university! I hope you enjoy your hopefully-well-planned-out trip in Cuba. Keep your composure, don’t lose control of the situation, and keep your head in the game – but if for some reason you make a mistake, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE IN YOUR PANTS.

[2012-03-16]

[COLUMN] Hell Week: like every other week, but unpleasant

ronroninabox — Sat, 05 May 2012 08:51:47 -0400

Anonymous writes:

I survived my hell week!

Oh, the university life: eat, sleep, and study. As enjoyable as university can get, eventually we reach that point in the term where all the important assignments and assessments suddenly pile on, resulting in a stressful period frequently known as “hell week.” Of course, it varies depending on your schedule, but you understand the feeling – long nights, a diet centred around caffeine and junk food, mountains of textbooks and notes – it’s far from a relaxing endeavour.

The obvious thing to say now would be, “Hooray! Congratulations! Good job! Your hell week is over!”

It is indeed easy to kick back, relax, and coast at this point. But oh, I think I see some holes in your statement, and I’m not referring to Louis Sachar’s award-winning novel Holes, which was eventually adapted for film starring a pre-Transformers fame Shia LaBeouf. Unfortunately, your statement is neither a Newbery Medal winner nor a Hollywood movie.

You’re anonymous. By all means, that’s fine. Not everyone needs to be acknowledged by name, and I’ve congratulated plenty of anonymous people in the past. The nature of anonymity, however, is that I know nothing about you! When hell week is inherently tied to one’s schedule, it is difficult to gauge the severity of one’s hell week when there is no way to frame what that schedule might look like!

I don’t know your name, I don’t know your program, I don’t know what year you’re in, and I simply do not know what you do. Heck, I don’t even know if you’re a single entity! As far as I’m concerned, you could be the Anonymous collective (y’know, the one with the hacking and the Internet), or you could just be a small group of students. If you’re plural, does that mean you had hell weeks? Hell Weeks sounds like an unfortunately-named minor league athlete.

Assuming you are a post-secondary student, it’s a good start to have survived hell week. I question your wording, however. If hell week had gone without a hitch, you wouldn’t say you survived it, you would’ve stated you did well! Where did your confidence go? Where’s that sassy Anony that we all came to know and love? You should reconsider your current state, gather yourself, and make a return in full force!

Another thing: hell week, as it is for most university students, consists of a heavy course workload. That’s acceptable, yes, but what happens in the event that something worse happens? What if some sort of disaster strikes and humanity is crippled?

Say, a nuclear catastrophe occurs, much of mankind is wiped out, and those left alive must deal with abnormally hot temperatures and a desolate wasteland? Does that count as a hell week? Then, what happens if, in this wasteland, a hybrid mangoat prances around with a pitchfork and comically red skin? What is beyond your threshold of “hell week?”

I am stretching this well into the realm of hyperbole for the sake of discussion. Chances are, your hell week of coursework will be the worst you will have to endure at least within the near future. In the case that the fall of mankind is a reality, then yes, of course calling a week of midterms “hell week” is a bit ridiculous.

However, it’s all about perspective – right now, we live in a reasonably tame world, and the biggest thing that was on your mind was schoolwork. However, that’s gone and done with, and you can move on with your life, so high five yourself! Not in the face, silly.

Regardless of the what-ifs I’ve mentioned, you have ultimately survived hell week. If something should come up, hopefully you’ll be slightly more prepared to deal with it, should it arise. Congratulations on getting past that week! If you are unlucky enough to have a schedule where hell week has yet to pass, take a copy of this week’s Imprint, put it somewhere safe, wait ‘til your hell week is over, then retrieve your old, probably now-yellow and crinkly copy of Imprint, and reread this column. If this column fails to do anything for you, then at the very least, you can giggle at the prospect of pizza cats.

Heh. Pizza cats.

[2012-03-09]

[COLUMN] Creeper in my home

ronroninabox — Fri, 04 May 2012 08:44:38 -0400

Anonymous writes:

A creeper in Minecraft blew up right next to me and I didn’t die.

I need to be honest with you, Anon: I have never played Minecraft. As far as I am concerned, I currently have no plans to change that. It doesn’t matter that it’s apparently a wildly popular game, it doesn’t matter that it’s got adorable 8-bit graphics, and it doesn’t matter that it appeals to that inner Lego child in all of us. I’m dominantly just lazy, but I have no intention to start playing Minecraft.

Yet despite this inherent apathy, I have to admit that right now, I am extremely glad Minecraft exists! While Minecraft has no real impact on me, it makes its mark elsewhere, in locations like the gaming community, the economy (if ever so slightly), and on your congratulations! Bear witness to what you would have written had Minecraft suddenly ceased to exist:

“A creeper blew up right next to me and I didn’t die.”

Can you smell the many different ways in which that sentence is wrong? You probably could! Yikes.

“Blew up” could refer to a large number of actions, the most common likely being an explosion. On the contrary, a creeper is rather straightforward outside of the Minecraft definition (hint: it explodes in the it-hurts-you sort of way). In real life, a creeper is anyone who gives you the heebie jeebies, be it someone accidentally giving you prolonged eye contact, Old Man Jenkins from the farm down the street, or the strange lanky man clad in a trenchcoat, his hands lost in the annals of his dubious attire.

Aside from the fact that the omission of Minecraft makes the phrase “a creeper blew up right next to me” become rather disconcerting, the explicit reference to your survival becomes more macabre. Yes, you didn’t die, but we’re all well and alive, and nobody needs to reassert that. By that logic, your life must have been in peril. So yes, you didn’t die, but at what cost? An arm and a leg? Mental scarring? Your clothes? It would be particularly unpleasant if you were to turn around to find a creeper blowing up, only to discover you were naked from the impact of the explosion! Gross.

Thus it is to your benefit that this all happened in Minecraft! Yes, in-game creepers are far from desirable, but no actual harm came to you! That explosion? You survived, both in-game and in real life, and you can probably heal your in-game self easily with some delicious 8-bit foodstuffs!

Without Minecraft in the picture, it certainly looks like you lead quite the risky and adventurous life, so congratulations! You are living vicariously through your intense Minecrafting experiences! I personally wouldn’t be anywhere near as risky as your Minecraft alter-ego, so I totally understand why you’d want to take risks when there are no consequences to your physical self! After all, in a worst case scenario, you could just respawn!

Many others out there also use alter-egos to protect themselves! For example, Peter Parker uses the Spider-man pseudonym to fight crime while keeping his spider powers under wraps and to keep his family safe! Likewise, Batman uses his Bruce Wayne alter-ego to be extravagantly rich and to fund his strange obsession with nippled batsuits! By using alter-egos, one can protect oneself from criminals or public knowledge of a nipple fixation, and in your case, you can live to be exploded on another day!

So congratulations, Anon! You’re a digitally hardy person, having survived that Minecraft creeper. You’re gaining the experience you would from being in exploding proximity of a creeper, while avoiding the harsh realities of real-world creepers. I’m not actually sure if you’re actually any wiser from the experience, but hey! Sounds better than “Oh hey you played video games, good job!” eh?

[2012-03-02]

YOU GUYS I THINK I BROKE THE INTERNET

ronroninabox — Fri, 04 May 2012 02:32:22 -0400

YOU GUYS I THINK I BROKE THE INTERNET

[COLUMN] Premature Congratulations/Breeding Week

ronroninabox — Fri, 04 May 2012 02:29:36 -0400

A foreword for you, dearest reader!

If you take a look at your calendars, you’ll notice that, depressingly enough, Reading Week is basically over. What did you plan to do? Study? Eat? Sleep? Did you actually do any of that? Whatever the case is, there are TONS of you out there (tons, right? Tons of you read this column, right? Right?), each with individual plans for Reading Week.

With so many goals planned out, each concluding with varying degrees of success, it is difficult to congratulate each and every single one of you for Reading Week goals! Instead, please allow me to congratulate the whole lot of you for more generalized reasons.

#1: You’re really pretty, you know that?

Seriously, did you enroll in Being Extremely Good-Looking 101 or something?

#2: Congratulations on surviving half of Winter 2012!

It’s a bit of a shame that “Winter 2012” refers to the academic term at the beginning of the year, and not the actual November-December period at the end of the year. Should the world come to a sudden end in December 2012, the odd survivor or two who stumbles upon an old copy of Imprint will think, “Ha! Ronald, you truly are a fool.”

But I digress. Apocalypse or not, let it be known that you have survived Winter 2012 thus far! Considering that humans are statistically proven to die at some point and time, it’s pretty impressive that you aren’t dead! What luck!

Beyond the major components of stayin’ alive – food, water, shelter, and the full discography of the Bee Gees – there is the whole issue of university courses. These courses tend to ply you with assignments and midterms, to which you should be ‘pplying yourself to them. But a full course load, coupled with extracurricular activities, volunteering and/or part-time work, a social life, and enrollment in Being Extremely Good-Looking 101 is a lot to deal with.

By all means, you have still a long way to go until the end of the term, but you’ve gotten a healthy chunk out of the way! Maybe it is a bit premature to congratulate you now, but at the very least, give yourself a pat on the back. First years, you’ve survived 1.5 terms of university! Not-first years, you guys are old! Everybody is a winner in my eyes.

MOVING ON:

#3: How’s that fallout from Valentine’s Day?

Regardless of your stance on Valentine’s Day, it’s fairly safe to say that it affects all of us in some way or another! Some take up arms against the holiday, others savour the moment. Lemme try to cover all of the bases.

#3a: Long-term couples: Congratulations on your continued relationship! One of the true tests of love is longevity, and so far, you’re nailing it! Well, I can’t speak of certain longevities in conjunction with certain nailing – that’s private and only for you to know – but hey! You two are still going at it, and under the right context, I think that’s cute. Just don’t ask me about other contexts. Seriously.

#3b: Irresponsible long-term couples: Congratulations on your unexpected pregnancy! I guess we should rename Reading Week to Breeding Week now, yeh? Y’alls are like rabbits, my friend, just like rabbits.

#3c: New, fresh couples: So if I put you in an oven, you would taste better than some of the long-term couples, right? I promise I’m not a wicked witch. Oh and I guess it’s great you made a move on Valentine’s Day, my pretties.

#3d: Recent victims of a break-up: Well, if it makes you feel any better, you can totally get hit on and not feel bad about it! For starters, consider reading congratulations #1 in this piece. Do you feel better yet? If so, move on with your life! If not, reread congratulations #1 until satisfied, and then move on with your life!

#3e: Single ladies: Yo, stop being sad – Beyonce dedicated a song to you. Let me repeat that: BEYONCE DEDICATED A SONG TO YOU.This puts you in the same echelon as the reality television series Survivor, outstanding bills that need to be paid off threefold, and the massively popular science-fiction video game franchise known as Halo. Impressive, yeh? If I were a single lady, then oh, I would flaunt that. Beyonce would be my homegirl, if not BFFL.

[2012-02-28]

[COLUMN] OMG Becky, look at her birthday

ronroninabox — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0500

OMG UW MOD writes:

OMG UW is turning four years old! Four!

As a column dedicated to the congratulations of the deserving, it would seem almost natural to see congratulations on a regular basis for a variety of different birthdays. Search the archives, however: you will find no such thing. Seeing as I’ve never really had the opportunity to delve into the many silly policies and tenets that I impose on myself while writing this column, I figure now might be a good opportunity to bore my audience to death! So for starters:

The general rule of thumb is that I will not congratulate you for your birthday.

This might sound mean and uncharacteristic of this column, as a birthday is a special day that only occurs once a year, marking the date when you escaped that treacherous womb you once called a home. However, the fact is that everyone has a birthday. Your mum has a birthday, your mum’s mum has a birthday, and people who like writing “your mum” have birthdays. It’s not exactly a unique accomplishment.

Consider an even worse situation: those who live in alternate universes where calendars aren’t really a thing don’t even get to celebrate birthdays or any other dates (think The Walking Dead). Birthdays are generally geared specifically to you, and I figure you’d be better off spending time with your friends and family celebrating it, rather than getting congratulated about it in a newspaper column by someone who might not know you at all.

There is one crucial thing to note, however, and it is that I have been writing about birthdays of the average human being. OMG UW is not an average human being! In fact, OMG UW isn’t even a human being at all!

OMG UW, for those who haven’t had the luxury of procrastinating over the term, is a website consisting entirely of user-submitted content, such as commentary on recent events, missed connections, overhead conversations, and general discussion relating to the University of Waterloo. With a massive veil of anonymity, users tend to open the floodgate and let loose all of their unfiltered opinions, emotions, and bad grammar. And as it turns out? OMG UW has been around for four years.

Congratulations! You, along with the other OMG UW MODs, have run a site that is both brilliant and despicable for four years now! I don’t know if I should shower you with love or hate, but either way you should get naked and into the bathtub, then ready yourself for some hygiene!

A birthday for a non-living entity is impressive in its longevity. Unlike humans, who get to hit puberty, become legally entitled to purchase alcohol and other age-restricted goods, and have sweet sixteenth birthday parties, non-living entities just sort of exist! Aside from the off chance of a fancy business party for a massive corporation, there really isn’t much in the way of appreciation for such an entity!

It is considerably impressive for a website like OMG UW to continue for so long, especially in an environment with a diverse and rapidly changing audience. Maintaining reader interest can be a very difficult task to accomplish, but then again, is it that difficult when the readers submit the content? After all, OMG UW simply provides a forum for students to have their voices heard – it just so happens that some people have terrible, terrible voices.

I find myself at ends with myself. Do I genuinely congratulate OMG UW for its staying power, home-grown community, and the admirable feat of enabling students to speak their mind? Do I belittle it for the frequent displays of malicious and ill-spirited content on its pages? Or do I just say nothing about it, let it be, and leave a picture of a funny-looking cake for you guys?

“a picture of a funny-looking cake”

Ah well, happy birthday to OMG UW, I suppose? You guys are alright.

[2012-02-17]

Editor’s Note: This column didn’t actually print with the old-as-balls cake. I literally put in [a picture of a funny-looking cake], expecting a graphic to be quickly drawn up for the column. NOPE, apparently the line was published as is, both in print and online. I mean it sorta works, it looks meta and all, but let’s face it: no birthday celebration is complete without a cake and genitalia.

Also, I only wanted to make an “Editor’s Note” so I could call myself an editor and feel good about myself.

[COLUMN] Forever alone?

ronroninabox — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Anonymous writes:

Will you congratulate me on getting hung up on this guy I’ve never met (but my friend was supposed to hook me up… never ended up meeting this guy) and then pathetically getting upset after I find out he’s seeing someone? :/ kthx.

SURPRISE QUIZ: between a newborn baby, Demi Moore, and a widow, what do they have in common? While you debate if this short quiz was consensual or not, let me reveal the answer to you!

Congratulations, Anony! Like you, they are all single! Oh hey, Anony, you’re single! Who’da thunk it?

I know, I know. That was kinda obvious and you didn’t need me to remind you about that. Taking a look at what you wanted to be congratulated for, you list: A) getting hung up on a dude you’ve never met, B) getting let down by a friend who promised to hook you up, and C) getting sad after discovering he is taken.

On second thought, getting congratulated for being single sounds like a far better idea, so I’ll do it again. Congratulations, Anony, you’re single! Ha ha! What good fortune for you!

I’m going to try and be succinct here: you absolutely should not get sad over this situation at all. For starters, you don’t know the guy! Sure, his Facebook profile picture might show him rescuing a puppy orphanage from a raging fire, but in reality, what do you actually know of the guy? For all you know, he might be an arsonist with a penchant for targeting puppy orphanages. Think about it: you’re getting hung up over someone who burns puppies – puppy orphans. Not cool.

You then state that your friend was supposed to hook you up. It’s a kind gesture, up until the point where she fails to deliver on her promise. You can blame your friend for being a flop, but ultimately the responsibility is on you to find the right guy. The one who makes or breaks a relationship is not your friend, but you! If you expect to bring home bacon, you better go hunting for some pigs or a supermarket.

Lastly, you express sadness because he is taken. There really isn’t much you can do outside of being a homewrecker, and I’d advise against messing around with the taken unless you specifically want Liam Neeson to look for you, find you, and kill you. And hey, maybe the guy really likes who he’s with. I assume it would be reasonably hard to find someone with similar interests when your main hobby consists of burning puppy orphans.

I figure you should understand why I refuse to congratulate you as per your original request. Despite my awkward initial wording in which I equate you to a newborn baby, Demi Moore, and a widow, I stand by my support of your single status.

You see, a newborn baby is inherently single. Fresh from the oven, they’re not tied down to anything. A newborn baby literally has the cleanest slate to start from, and I’m not questioning who your role models are, but you might wanna consider taking after a newborn baby. Granted I would hope you would still maintain control of your bodily functions, but you get the idea: you’re single, and you have all the world’s possibilities at your fingertips, your adorably tiny fingertips.

There is then the widow. This may seem more unfortunate and foreboding, given the dead spouse thing. However, this statement is going to reek of the worst cheese, but is it not better to have loved than not loved at all? If you don’t buy into the cheese, or if you’re lactose intolerant, then on the other hand, similarity to a widow implies you’d be able to fall in love and get married. Plus, you’d live longer than your spouse. That’s how you win a marriage, right?

So congratulations, Anony. I know this Valentine’s Day might seem particularly crappy, but there are loads of single people out there on Valentine’s Day too. You’re single, and that’s perfectly fine. Don’t worry about that dude you never met. Demi Moore is single too, and she’s been spooned before by a ghost while working on a pottery wheel. If that’s representative of what being single is like, then that’s not a bad thing at all.

[2012-02-10]

[COLUMN] The most awkward type of peacekeeper: you!

ronroninabox — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 09:00:06 -0500

Tumblr user smoestoe writes:

Hi! I would like to be congratulated for not going crazy even though I have been here for three years or so in a degree (Peace and Conflict Studies) that people make fun of, even though it’s necessary for making sure humanity doesn’t blow itself up!

I’m not sure if any single one of us entered university fully knowing what to expect. We all have our own different assumptions about university, depending on how much media we pay attention to. Some come in on a diet of teen movies and television; others come in not knowing what a television is.

When you first came to the University of Waterloo, you probably didn’t know you were going to pick Peace and Conflict Studies as your major! First year is that time where you learn more so you can make an informed decision when declaring a major, so who would’ve known what to pick from the get-go anyway? And yet, when you finally did choose your major, did you really know what you got yourself into?

Congratulations, smoestoe! You have survived roughly three years of university so far, and are that much closer to graduation! Upon graduation, you will be released into the world, armed and ready with your knowledge of Peace and Conflict Studies. Well, not really armed, because I guess that’d be against the point of peace, but I’m sure you get the idea!

The problem, however, is that I don’t quite think everyone actually gets the idea. We have people who see Peace and Conflict Studies and immediately write it off as a silly program, and that’s not fair at all. But I must ask you, smoestoe, do you yourself fully understand the scope and nature of this program?

Yes, you are learning of Peace and Conflict Studies, and as such, you will gain knowledge on areas such as peace (duh-doy), war, nonviolence, and other topics relating to social justice. That, for the most part, only seems to relate to the peace side of your program, and as you might have noticed, there are other words in your program name, like studies, and conflict.

Conflict! By the end of your degree, you will have become a master of conflict, if not at least a bachelor of conflict. Yes, I am sure you will be great at coming up with various methods of mediation and arbitration, but with your expertise in conflict, you will know not just how to defuse conflict, but how to escalate it. The average, regular, non-supervillain citizen would probably use mastery of conflict only for good, but how can I guarantee that you are average, regular, and non-supervillainy? One can only hope.

You stated that humanity blowing itself up is something you fight against. In writing your congratulations, I have done my due diligence, taking the time to do some research in the form of a survey. As it turns out, the majority of respondents stated that they believed blowing to be a good thing. I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you, as a PACS major, are working for the greater good of the people.

Now you’re stuck in a rather precarious predicament: do you continue to fight the good fight, denying people of what they so desire, or do you pull some Watchmen level trickery, pulling an Ozymandias and ruining the lives of many by means of blowing, only to bring them together in their collective appreciation for that same blowing? It is up to you to decide whether you want to use your conflict skills for good, or for evil – but in this situation, what is good, and what is evil? The lines blur.

So here we stand, at a crossroads where some fight to keep humanity alive, while others long to satisfy their hedonistic urges. Strife and disagreement are bound to occur, with each party at ends with each other. Congratulations, smoestoe, for you and your fellow PACS majors are the only ones with the expertise and know-how to resolve this situation peacefully. You may simply be glad to have not gone crazy at this point, but there is so much more at stake.

The onus is on you, smoestoe, to ensure that humanity doesn’t end in a horrifically awkward manner.

[2012-02-03]

fypblog: Happy Birthday Mewtwo!

ronroninabox — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 19:07:00 -0500

fypblog:

Happy Birthday Mewtwo!

[COLUMN] Gung Hei Fat Stacks!

ronroninabox — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Wincy writes:

I didn’t go home for Chinese New Year, but I still got $240 (and counting!) in red pocket money from relatives, ZERO EFFORT REQUIRED.

Calendars are funny business. Sure, there’s that regular one that claims today is January 27, 2012. But then there’s also the one Mayan calendar that claims we’re not going to live past this year. Furthermore, we’ve got people trying to change the calendar, leap years coming around here and there, and that inevitable alien calendar we’ll have to get used to after our scheduled migration to Mars.

But then there’s the Lunar New Year. There’s a good amount of celebrations that occur, thanks to the Lunar New Year, but I think there’s one in particular we’re all aware of, and that’s Chinese New Year. You’ve seen it all before: “Gung Hei Fat Choy,” lion dances, and the red pocket money. Oh, of course, the red pocket money.

To those who aren’t Chinese, don’t have Chinese relatives, or just don’t get involved with Chinese New Year whatsoever, that’s all you probably notice. Foreign phrases, foreign dancing, and foreign little packets, jammed full with money. Congratulations, Wincy! You’re missing out on a heck of a lot of festivities, but hey! You’ve got money.

From a purely economical viewpoint, that’s pretty friggin’ good! Zero work hours for $240? I tried calculating how much you’d be making per hour, but my calculator imploded upon dividing by zero, so I must conclude that you are profiting from this exchange! Also, there is a tiny little wormhole on my desk now, and I’d like to have a new calculator.

However, to simply view Chinese New Year exclusively in terms of how much money you get is kinda terrible! Like any good holiday, it is a time of gathering, families coming together to celebrate a new year. It is a jovial occasion for all, and to boil it down to the red pocket money would be severely undercutting the true meaning of Chinese New Year.

(I can’t actually say what the true meaning of Chinese New Year is; something tells me that I probably can’t write it in English, nor should I continue equating Chinese New Year to Christmas)

On the other hand, I am not trying to accuse you of being a terrible person, Wincy. I realize that your decision to stay in Waterloo over Chinese New Year probably isn’t because you hate your family, but rather that your academic commitments need to be addressed! I commend your dedication to your craft. To miss festivities that occur only once a year is rather crushing. If anything, your red pocket money is almost like a consolation prize: you might not be able to go home, but at least your family still cares about you.

And sometimes, isn’t that enough, knowing that you could go home to a loving family? Congrats, Wincy. Your family loves you dearly, and if for some reason you manage to mess up all those midterms and assignments that stopped you from celebrating Chinese New Year, well hey, at least you now have money for retail therapy.

[2012-01-27]

[COLUMN] Hello norovirus!

ronroninabox — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 09:00:05 -0500

@mlkchung writes:

You should congratulate everyone who was at #nash74 for surviving #pukegate2012!

Every year, many university newspapers, Imprint included, send some of its finest editors, reporters, and staff off to NASH, a national conference hosted by the Canadian University Press. This year, student journalists flocked to Victoria, B.C., for NASH74. Like any good conference out there, conference things happen! Delegates participate and network, speakers show up and ramble, and food gets prepared, served, and eaten.

You might think that attending this conference alone is worth getting congratulated for! Sure, the average conference is fun and all, but ultimately, they are a tad predictable. I mean, if NASH74 was the 74th annual occurrence of this conference, there must have been a NASH73, NASH72, and so on! Yeah, they change, but you get the general idea. The overall content of the conference, year to year, isn’t going to be mindblastingly different.

Something more noteworthy than just the overarching conference itself might be the things that transpire within. To put that in perspective, yes, there is a Super Bowl every year, and yes, there is a halftime show at the Super Bowl every year, but it isn’t every year that Justin Timberlake ruins Janet Jackson’s career with no repercussions to his own career.

While NASH74 may not have had Justin Timberlake nor a nip slip (or so I hope), there was indeed an incident of controversy at this conference. Students were reported to be displaying symptoms similar to those of the norovirus, once known as the Norwalk virus. Of the 350 conference attendees, at least 60 of them were confirmed to be afflicted by the symptoms, which notably include vomiting and watery diarrhea.

And yet here we are, days in the aftermath of this “#pukegate2012” incident. Congratulations, @mlkchung! Despite prolonged exposure to the norovirus, you’ve survived long enough to at least tweet about the incident! Sure, maybe you’ve been completely healthy, or maybe you’ve been puking your guts out, but at least you still maintain that crucial ability to tweet!

I am a little uncertain, however, about the overall outcome of these events. Yes, you’re well and tweeting now, but considering that student journalists infected with the norovirus were sent home, all across Canada, I can’t help but worry just a little bit. As such, I have prepared two additional congratulations for you, @mlkchung. Depending on how the next few days play out, you may read the respective congratulations as necessary.

Everyone gets healthier: Everyone returns home from NASH74, a little weary from the events, but all the smarter, gaining the precious knowledge from the conference, and lasting friendships from fellow delegates. While #pukegate2012 was unpleasant at the time, it ultimately makes for an entertaining story, retold all across the country by its many participants. Congratulations, @mlkchung and NASH74 participants: you’re healthy and your immune system is in fine working condition!

The sickness spreads: NASH74 comes to a startling end, its grand events marred by the sudden infection. Its delegates, worsened by the norovirus, return home in an unpleasant fashion, bowels evacuated and orifices exhausted. Quick searches on WebMD reassure the delegates that in short time, the norovirus will rid itself from their bodies, and they attempt to resume regular life.

Keyword: attempt.

The student journalists return to their regular duties: attending classes, putting together student newspapers, so on and so forth. Their deteriorating condition results in more frequent vomit attacks, and combined with newspapers carrying the virus, soon the majority of the student body is infected. Visiting high school students are quickly exposed to the virus, as are parents of university students fleeing home for caretaking. The supposed “norovirus” is widespread.

Soon, the death toll hits one, then two, then hundreds. Amidst the puke and deceased, bodies begin to reanimate, scientists having severely underestimated the norovirus. The so-called “norozombies” attack, leaving human flesh alone, but vomiting all over the living. Unable to reason with the norozombies, the living human survivors are soon overwhelmed by them. Modern society as we know it crumbles, and ceases to exist.

Congratulations, @mlkchung. You and your fellow NASH74 delegates are responsible for the end of the human civilization. As original carriers of the norovirus, and therefore parents to the norozombies, I hope you feel some semblance of pride.

[2012-01-20]

[COLUMN] Adult Mode: ACTIVATE

ronroninabox — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 09:00:06 -0500

Leslie writes:

I’ve been on vacation in Barbados since January 6th! Sure, my friend and I have missed a good week of school or so, but with constant classes, volunteering, and employment, we need a break, and we just so happen to like the sun.

Leslie, you have a Facebook account, right? Of course you do, you’re a youngster; youngsters love to use Facebook and the Internet. If you’ve been paying attention to the status updates of your acquaintances at other universities – assuming that you have acquaintances at other universities – you’ll have noticed a lot of complaining about the first week of classes.

Now, the average University of Waterloo student will scoff at that! “Oh, we’ve already been in class for a week, suck it up!” But you? That probably doesn’t apply to you, because of that vacation thing of yours. But since you’re on vacation, you probably don’t care about school right now, and I think I initially had a point I was trying to make except what the heck are you doing don’t you have school or priorities I am so confused by your course of action seriously what the heck is going on with your life.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but there’s a little part of me that is full of strange mothering instincts. These strange mothering instincts tell me that it is okay to lash out at people with bold font and zero punctuation, but not okay to go take a vacation in Barbados at the beginning of the semester. I highly doubt we live in a post-apocalyptic Children of Men-esque society in which I am the only one with mothering tendencies, so I am reasonably certain some of you are also a tad confused.

And yet, it is because of these strange mothering instincts that I must wholeheartedly congratulate you, Leslie! Many people follow the words of others religiously, be it their parents, their extended family, their friends, or anyone else. You are an exception to this case, what with your trip to Barbados and all.

In spite of whatever commitments you might need to attend to, you decided that a trip to Barbados was what you wanted, and you went for it. This ability to make crucial decisions for yourself is laudable. You’re growing up, Leslie! While your body might not be going through changes like the last time you were “growing up,” you’re learning to do more with what you have by your own accord!

Just because you haven’t overthrown the pre-existing Barbadian government and ascended to the throne of the New Barbadian Empire doesn’t mean your trip isn’t worth a high five. Making a massive decision like this sets a precedent for you. When a difficult situation comes knocking, you won’t have to run away from it or defer it to someone else. You’ll stand up, and you’ll be able to make that tough call, because you’re a big girl now!

How often are people able to make decisions like these? Opting to go on vacation at the beginning of the term is daunting. Many of us have difficulty with simpler decisions, like what to eat for breakfast, what to wear to class, or whether or not to re-read last week’s You Are Superfantastic! column for the sixteenth time. In fact, many of us probably don’t even realize we’re pretty much all adults here, and we can do as we please. First year or fourth, we’re all at that stage of life where we don’t need our parents to hold our hand (though it is pretty awesome).

Congratulations, Leslie! You’re old enough to do what you want. You’re all grown up, and you don’t have to bend to every whim of someone else. I’m sure you’re aware of the consequences of going on vacation at the beginning of term, and I’m sure you’ve made preparations to compensate for those missed classes. You understand the weight of your actions, and you know how to react to it.

To paraphrase a line from xkcd, ~~hey why does that Irresponsibly Optimistic comic look just like us~~ you’re an adult now, and it’s your turn to decide what that means, and what you’re going to do about it.

[2012-01-13]

[COLUMN] It's not the most wonderful time of the year

ronroninabox — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Julia writes:

I’ve survived yet another holiday season! I guess it’s not really a big deal, except my holidays tend to be filled with torment stemming from my surname: Christmas.

Oh, the winter break: a time of gathering, be it for a recognized holiday of significance or just for those government-mandated days off, coupled with gift-giving, food-eating, and lazy-being. I’d go on and on about how warm and fuzzy the winter holidays can make one feel, but FUN FACT: it’s over.

Congratulations, Julia! You, as well as everyone else reading this column, have survived yet another holiday season, as well as another year! Is this all that notable? Absolutely. To the person who lives day-to-day and scoffs at this, you sound like a hardly injured sports professional, but please, allow me to explain.

Julia’s survival of the holiday season seems pretty noteworthy to me. A lot of things are noteworthy to me, as that just so happens to be the purpose of this column. You Are Superfantastic! is a column about congratulating you and all those interesting shenanigans that you are up to! Even if those shenanigans involve an overwhelming hatred for the word shenanigan (honestly, if that was the case, I wouldn’t blame you), I will heartily pat your back and tell you shenanigan looks rather awkward for a word.

Julia, I urge you to take a look at my last name. What is it? Chui! No, I am not related to Chewbacca. Take a look across your copy of Imprint (if you’re reading one), and check the names. Is there a Johnny Thanksgiving? Is there a Jackie Family Day? Is there a Cuba Good Friday Jr.? To the best of my recollection, there are no such people at Imprint! Chances are, those people are pretty rare, if not non-existent altogether!

(As an aside, ten points to you if you can find a person in the paper with a Pokémon for a last name)

The basic idea is that Christmas is a reasonably uncommon last name. I’m sure that at Christmas family reunions, there are tons of Christmas people and a few lost holiday shoppers, but the point stands: you have a name that stands out!

However, as the case is with anything that sticks out is the fact that someone will take note of it and attempt to be funny about it. Multiple people have probably tried to wish you happy birthday on Christmas Day, thinking they’re original and hilarious. I bet you’ve watched the film The World Is Not Enough, and oh, I bet you absolutely loathe the ending quip by 007. I’m sure Pierce Brosnan is a nice guy and all, but no exceptions, am I right?

But like I said at the very beginning of the column: the holiday season is over. Winter break is done. Classes have started again, new issues of Imprint are filling up the shelves, and holiday memorabilia is on discount now. You’ve survived, and if anything, that’s a testament to your strength and toughness! Sure, you might consider it to be “torment,” but when you’ve dealt with this for years, you build up a resistance. It becomes familiar.

To quote a rather morbid idiom, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words simply can’t hurt you! You’re extremely resilient, and this Christmas-abuse isn’t something everyone can handle. It’s almost like a superpower, if you were a heroine with extremely underwhelming abilities! Your archnemesis might try to figure out new ways to hurt you with words, but you’ll always manage to bounce back and defeat them with your imperviousness to words!

Regardless of superpowers or not, you’ve still got a pretty sweet last name. You’re also insusceptible to its associated jokes, and you’ve made it past the holidays to the new year. Not everyone can lay claim to those achievements, so congratulations, Julia! Enjoy what benefits your surname might bring you; I’m sure something nicer than a column will eventually come up.

Also, you can’t really blame Father Christmas for your name.

[2012-01-06]

Stop SOPA! Continue soaping.

ronroninabox — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Rather than actually discuss SOPA, I have prepared a few lists for you to consider. It’s mostly because I am probably terrible at explaining things, but bear in mind that far more knowledgeable people may have weighed in on topics like this. ANYWAY:

SITES YOU SHOULD GO ON TODAY FOR FUNZIES:

Wikipedia! I’m sure there’s some random facts out there that you wanna know about, like the season four finale of Breaking Bad or the feeding habits of the beaver.
Reddit! Y’alls need a karma fix, yeh? Oh wait, y’alls are tumblr-users, and tumblarity is a thing of the old, old past. Otherwise, there’s quality content up there, amirite?
Nedroid! I don’t know about you, but I like webcomics about a talking bird and a potato-shaped bear! Oh, the shenanigans!
Dinosaur Comics! The only way you can improve a webcomic that has dinosaurs in it is by making them static clipart dinosaurs THAT NEVER CHANGE.
Questionable Content! What about webcomics with melodrama? It’s like drama, but with the melo- prefix as an added bonus!
Boing Boing! I actually haven’t got a clue as to what this site is about, but I think you get the general idea now, yeh?

THINGS THAT MIGHT CHANGE ABOUT YOUARESUPERFANTASTIC.COM AND ITS RELATED COLUMN, YOU ARE SUPERFANTASTIC!, SHOULD SOPA/PIPA PASS:

Congratulations made on this site might become uncomfortable stiff! Like, “Salutations friend, congratulations on your grand achievement,” kind of stiff!
Posts, should they continue, will become dull and less ingrained in today’s happenings! Y’know, because referencing today’s happenings would be a violation of copyright!
Your own achievements might even be a source of trouble as well! Those little blurbs you write MIGHT NOT BE THAT LITTLE AFTER ALL. Well, not really when compared to my posts, pre-SOPA.
Those .gifs that I sometimes make would have to stop altogether! In fact, all of Tumblr would have to stop. In fact, I don’t even think Tumblr would work at all! Reblogs would just be SOPAbait.

BAD PUNS RELATING TO SOPA AND PIPA:

Just because so many out there advocate stopping SOPA does NOT mean you should stop caring for your personal hygiene. Ha, ha! Get it? It’s because SOPA sounds like soap, except under SOPA, someone would probably drop the hammer on this site because someone out there has most likely already made that terrible, terrible pun.
PIPA has nothing to do with your Pipboy or Pippi Longstocking, but your references to those copyrighted materials might get you in trouble! Did you pay for your Fallout game and Pippi Longstocking DVDs? TOO BAD, PIPA don’t care! PIPA don’t give a SOPA!

MORE INFORMATIVE LINKS THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL FOR YOU:

The article that the blacked out Wikipedia page links to.
An article detailing the issues surrounding SOPA and PIPA.
A petition type thing. Y’know, for the purpose of petitioning your local politicians about the whole debacle.

If you would like to see the continued growth of a free, uncensored Internet, then please please PLEASE do your part, and contact your elected representatives know that you will not stand for this.

[COLUMN] Writing is kinda hard, yo.

ronroninabox — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 09:00:05 -0500

Caitlin writes:

I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, and somehow, I’ve managed to finish the 50,000 word requirement to complete the challenge of writing a novel, despite leaving 30,000 of those words for the last two weeks!

November is a month of many occasions – Remembrance Day, U.S. Thanksgiving (a.k.a. Round Two for some of us Canadians), Black Friday, Movember, and of course, NaNoWriMo, more formally known as National Novel Writing Month. While some of you might have spent your November growing facial hair, others like Caitlin have spent it writing a novel (and presumably growing facial hair on the side).

Regardless of whether or not writing is your forte, it’s quite fair to say that a novel is no easy thing to write! From a purely numerical standpoint, that’s 50,000 words, or roughly 100 people congratulated by this column. But no good novel consists solely of people getting their horns tooted!

(As an aside, that would make for the worst detective fiction novel ever: “Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the UWaterloo Horn Tooter” and its eventual movie adaptation, “Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Horn Tooting,” starring Robert Downey Jr. as international millionaire playboy Tony Stark.)

With novels, it’s not just about reaching the 50,000 word requirement. There needs to be plot, relatable characters, and an overall journey that takes readers into a whole different world. If I’m doing a bad job of describing what it’s like to write a novel, that’s because quite frankly, I don’t know how to write a novel. I’m a columnist, not a literary genius!

Caitlin, I’m not saying you’re a literary genius – heck, you could be terrible for all I know – but what I do know is that it’s a gutsy move on your part to participate in NaNoWriMo. It’s a major commitment that you’ve undertaken on top of the demands of university and whatever else you might have to contend with. Is completing a novel over the course of merely a month worth a high five? I think it’s worth at least ten thousand high fives, if not more.

Congratulations, Caitlin! You’ve successfully participated in NaNoWriMo and written a novel in its entirety! That’s a major hurdle for you to have successfully leapt over!

Now, if you’ve paid even the slightest attention to a hurdles race beyond the part with a gun, you’ll know that there is more than one hurdle in the race! Guess what, Caitlin? You’ve only jumped over one hurdle in this literary race.

What’s the next hurdle? Sequels! You might be able to spin a riveting tale of tooting and horns, but where does the story go from there? Consider how busy you might’ve been over November – now consider living like that forever! You’re well on your path to becoming a true writer now.

But while you might have one leg outstretched over the sequel hurdle, bear in mind that these hurdles aren’t evenly spaced out in a nice, orderly fashion. There’s the next hurdle, unemployment, which is bound to happen if you decide to write full-time. Immediately after is the hurdle of not being able to afford groceries, which is directly connected to the next hurdle of crippling hunger! Don’t like where this metaphor is going? TOO BAD – the next hurdle is not being able to afford a better metaphor.

The imagery may be harsh and cruel, but I am preparing you for the worst. A more likely situation is that you’ll continue on with your university career, finish your degree, acquire a decent-paying job and build on your career from there, while participating in NaNoWriMo every November. It’s pretty much in line with what you’re up to now! Chances are, your life won’t go spiralling down a terrible abyss.

So props, Caitlin. I salute your impressive achievement, I wish the absolute best in your future novel endeavours, and now, I have some inclination to read your novel. I hope I get to read about some horns getting tooted! And to readers, congratulations! You’ve survived reading this column for two terms now. I hope that somehow makes you feel good about yourself. If not? Then MAYBE NEXT TIME. I can’t toot that many horns all at once.

[2011-12-02]

[COLUMN] JLUW

ronroninabox — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:00:06 -0500

Redditor movermeyer writes:

The Campus Response Team are awesome accident super-responders, some of whom are trained to the same level as firefighters! They volunteer their time in order to train and make sure that if anything terrible should happen at an event on/near campus that they’ll be ready to provide first response capability. They get trained for everything from minor broken bones and concussions, to extreme scenarios like impalement and situations such as large bus crashes, and even zombie apocalypses!

I’ve participated as an actor in their training casualty simulation before, and can honestly say that I have absolute confidence in their ability to save lives. They are an awesome group of students and they definitely don’t get as much recognition as they deserve.

FIRST AND FOREMOST: movermeyer, user of the website Reddit, I would like to formally congratulate you for writing the longest submission for congratulations! As a person who frequents the Internet, I would have expected your attention span to be somewhat short, and that you would’ve started talking about lolcats instead! However, it’s clear that if you had to write an essay, you would write an essay about how you showed that essay who’s in charge – you are.

But neither you nor your thorough writing skills are up on the pedestal today! I’m not about to do a tour of UW’s clubs and organizations (sorry AFSA!), but I would like to divert attention instead to the aforementioned Campus Response Team. Right off the bat, I can tell you that the CRT are probably more reliable than the GRT! If you were to suddenly bleed everywhere, I don’t know how much the GRT could do for you!

But transportation is not the specialty of the CRT. You say they’re volunteers, yeh? University students who put in time to train themselves to be extremely competent at lifesaving, cover university events and ensure the wellbeing of students, and host training casualty simulations? On top of that, they’re students registered with the university with course loads and midterms and responsibilities and stuff?

That’s a LOT on an individual student’s plate. With all of that education and learning jammed next to the lifesaving and protection of the student body, I have come to the following conclusion: the Campus Response Team is about as close as we’ll get to having the Justice League on campus.

While the CRT squabbles amongst each other as to who gets to be Superman or Batman, as well as over who doesn’t have to be Aquaman, allow me to explain. Look at what the CRT does. They undergo strenuous training in order to protect the population from harm’s way at all times. That itself already sounds pretty superhero-y, and things like concussions, large bus crashes, and zombie apocalypses aren’t far off from a day in the life of a superhero!

Furthermore, as university students, we all have a lot of responsibilities to take care of – midterms, assignments, and generally a buttload of coursework. With that level of busywork, this would make the role of a university student an extremely good cover for a superhero! Who would expect a superhero to have to show up to class for participation marks?

On that note, I would like to apologize for totally outing you guys as superheroes, but like, yo. You’re superheroes. I’m sure one of you can turn back time and stop this column from ever being published, or at least change its name to be less funnylooking.

But that’s how it is: you guys, the Campus Response Team, have a great load on your shoulders. As defenders of the public good, it is your responsibility to protect students when their health is in peril. I don’t make the Justice League comparison lightly – if I had to deal with an injury, I would probably flail about and ask if the victim would like to be congratulated for getting maimed.

So I must heartily congratulate the Campus Response Team for taking on arguably one of the most difficult tasks at university, and that is keeping the people safe, and a thumbs up to Redditor movermeyer for pointing them out! Without you, I would have never realized how much time and effort they put into their work, all of which are now squandered because I have revealed your secret identities! LEX, LAUNCH THE ATTACK NOW.

[2011-11-25]