[COLUMN] KONY 2012? KONY FOREVER (Misprint)

A disclaimer: this “column” wasn’t written for Imprint itself, but rather for Misprint, an insert in the issue closest to April Fool’s Day for, well, April Fool’s Day. Is it a bit touchier than usual? Possibly! Does someone still get congratulated? Yes! Do I feel like a terrible person after writing this? Absolutely.

You can read Misprint in its entirety here.The column itself is on page 12, and no, my name is not Hanan Chewy.

Jeffrey writes:

I’d like to see Joseph Kony congratulated for being famous.       

Congratulations, Joe! Can I call you that now? Joe? I’m just sayin’, it’s a more marketable name – it’s casual, it’s relaxed, it’s something all the cool kids would like these days, which is important to you, because you’re now a world famous celebrity! Rejoice in the spotlight of the world! Everyone’s eyes are on you! In fact, you’re probably so famous that, if you really wanted to, you could literally have everyone’s eyes on you! Gross!

You’re a famous man now, and in order to maintain your fame, you need to establish a solid, lasting brand. Sure, KONY 2012 is popular now, but in a year, it’s going to be the year 2013, and KONY 2012 is going to be so 2012. You want to be timeless. If you enjoy things like rhyming and rapping, you could change your name to JoKo, which would be conducive to comparisons to Four Loko! If you prefer to be more efficient, you could consider instead JKo! It’s kinda like JLo, except I’m not really sure if your love don’t cost a thing.

With your level of fame, you could easily spread your reach. People would probably be more than willing to buy merchandise simply adorned with KONY on it! However, with an improved, sleek name like JoKo or JKo, the possibilities expand! You wouldn’t just rap about Four Loko, you would be Four Loko, with the all-new limited edition Four JoKo flavour! You could probably release pylons under the name JKone! The licensing doesn’t end there: JKo cutlery, JoKo backpacks, JKo stationery – there is so much you could do with your name.

Your namesake might even catch the eye of bootleggers! You could probably scour the city’s sketchy sidestreets and find shoddily-manufactured “JoeKoe” keychains and phone cases. Pfft, child labour. You might want to do something about the fake merchandise, but nonetheless, imitation is the highest form of flattery – it just so happens that the highest form of flattery also tends to lend itself to litigation! High five, legal system!

There is, however, one medium that all celebrities flock to, and it is that of the moving picture. Anyone really can get on a television show, but it takes far more clout to actually have your own television show. Why let someone fire you from a fake television job when you could be the one setting contestants on fire? Why let someone break your heart on national television? You’re better than that, JoKo – you could totally break millions of hearts and have massive audiences watch in disbelief as you make extremely disagreeable decisions!

However, the most infamous thing you could possibly do – and I mean the most infamous thing ever – is to make a sex tape. Let’s face it, there’s only so far you can go with television and standard merchandise. Here, you are entering uncharted waters – sexy, sexy uncharted waters. At your level of celebrity, people are clamouring to see some naked JoKo action. They see all those young, hip kids you hang out with, and they can’t help but wonder just what you do behind closed doors. Other celebrities like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have benefited from releasing a sex tape. Tell me, JoKo, is Paris Hilton more famous than you? Are you no better than a Kardashian? Go on, get busy, and get filming, buddy. You know you crave that fame.

Nonetheless, good job, JoKo! You’re indeed quite the famous individual. Hearty congratulations are in order! You’re probably famous enough to start a high five club if you wanted to, so I’m not going to high five you! It’s kinda crazy how quickly people can explode with fame, but if you play your cards right, you can keep that celebrity status going. Keep it up, JoKo! Just remember, if you ever explode with fame again, make sure you go nuts with it in public, and definitely make sure someone records it, as you frolic across the streets in your naked, famous splendor.  

[2012-04-01]

#congrats! #imprint #column #misprint #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #kony 2012 #joseph kony #famous #merchandising #licensing #money #dope #swag

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] It’s not a trap! It’s a surprise.

Benjamin writes:

I managed to plan the perfect weekend for my girlfriend’s birthday. I planned to bring her to the Maple Syrup Festival on Saturday, March 24th, 2012. Her birthday was just before the weekend so I surprised her by writing the itinerary into the cover of her birthday card. It was perfect – no spelling mistakes. On Saturday, March 24th, we headed down to Elmira to attend the Maple Syrup Festival. When we arrived, we saw a sign that said, “Maple Syrup Festival – March 31st, 2012.” It was perfect – for the following weekend.

So to sum it up, I’d like to be congratulated on the perfect surprise birthday for my girlfriend that was actually not perfect, won’t be a surprise by the time her birthday comes around, and won’t be close to her birthday. Perfect.

Congratulations, Benjamin! You are terrible at planning! If you were a wedding planner, not only would you look nothing like Jennifer Lopez, you would probably be out of a job! If you were an urban planning student, your homework would probably consist of pictures of rappers and hip-hop artists! If I was a cat that spoke in puns, your girlfriend’s birthday weekend would not have been purrfect.

I’ll give you some credit – you did provide a perfect birthday card, and the surprise was decently implemented. Given your error-free itinerary, I am reasonably certain that you’ve passed your ELPE, and that you have some level of carefulness! Furthermore, you had some element of surprise on your side, and I’m sure you had a leg up on your girlfriend. I don’t know if you’d make Admiral Ackbar shout, “IT’S A TRAP,” but I’m sure you’d at least startle his big, fishy face.

However, a strong start means nothing if you drop the ball midway through and don’t pick it back up. You seem to be channeling the Toronto Maple Leafs, because you seemed to have done so well, only to neglect finishing the job halfway through. What good is a surprise if there’s nothing to actually surprise your girlfriend with? It’s like setting up a grand, impressive bar mitzvah, only to realize you’ve hired a priest instead of a rabbi – it’s an extremely awkward letdown.

I am heaping nothing but bad words upon you, Benjamin, so I apologize. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re like any other dude with the name “Ben,” but you’re 100% more jammin’! Terrible name-pun aside, you do have a moderately interesting story to retell, assuming you’re okay with being the butt of the joke. I have good news for your girlfriend, however, so please kindly stop reading and pass your copy of Imprint over to your girlfriend right meow.

Congratulations, Benjamin’s girlfriend! Your boyfriend will never be a warlord, or a successful one, at least. This is probably good news for you! People who aren’t warlords have a higher chance of long-term survival than those who are warlords! I don’t have any scientific backing for this claim yet, but considering that people who aren’t warlords aren’t constantly in peril, I’d daresay they’ll survive just a wee bit longer than the average warlord!

I know there’s a small niche of ladies out there that prefer big, hulking warlords. That’s great and all, but in this day and age, most people settle things diplomatically, with words and money! You’ve seen Benjamin try to be sneaky – can you imagine that in a wartime setting? Clearly, Benjamin would not be the one leading a risky ambush on the Imperial Empire. You’d leave that to the trained Jedi Knights!

But does Benjamin’s lack of stealth and surprise put him at a disadvantage? Absolutely not! Look at what he’s done for you already: he’s given you a birthday card perfect in all respects, he put the effort into planning a surprise weekend, and for all I know, he piggybacked you all the way to Elmira!

The execution may not have been perfect, but in this case, it’s the effort that counts. Between the meticulous detail in your birthday card, the piggyback ride, and the audacity to write a friggin’ essay asking to be congratulated, your boyfriend Benjamin might not be a warlord, but he’s certainly a keeper. Congrats, Benjamin’s girlfriend! I hope you two get to enjoy all the maple syrup you want.

Oh, and happy birthday, I guess?

[2012-03-30]

#congrats! #imprint #newspaper #column #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #maple syrup festival #girlfriend #birthday #plan #surprise

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] E-N-V-S! You can’t spell supervillain without E-S!

@stevekrysak tweets:

Some awesome ENV kids won a WESEF grant for $60,000 to improve the ENV coffeeshop and make it exponentially more AWESOME!

Ah, good ol’ money. Fact: money makes the world go ‘round! I know this to be true from the song cleverly titled “Money” from the musical Cabaret! Thus, we can extrapolate that with more money, one would naturally be able to exert more control over the rate at which the world goes ‘round! With this information on the table, I can safely declare the following:

Congratulations! The Environment Student Society is one step closer to gaining control of the Earth’s rotations! This may sound dubious and totally supervillain-esque, but I suppose if an organization had to gain control of the Earth’s rotations, it’d be best in the hands of an organization that knows what it’s doing!

You may brush this off as mere hyperbole, and I don’t blame you – it sounds like there’s a valid plan in place! These ENV students entered a competition for funding from the Waterloo Environment Students Endowment Fund, emerging victorious among a plethora of candidates. The $60,000 award is set to renovate the coffee shop with sustainable materials and energy-efficient appliances, while also allowing for an expanded menu! On top of all that, if this is a grant, then that $60,000 eventually has to go back to the WESEF! That doesn’t sound supervillain-esque at all, right? It’s the perfect cover.

I should note that a supervillain is not necessarily a bad businessperson. Sure, you have buffoons like Team Rocket who somehow have the funding to build Pokémon-themed robots for any occasion, but then you have supervillains who actually know how to invest. Lex Luthor comes to mind, though I should clarify that not all supervillains are superbald. There’s also Norman Osborn, aka the first Green Goblin, and unlike Lex, his green coloration is somewhat thematically linked to the Faculty of Environment!

But I digress. A good supervillain knows that success does not come overnight. By spending the money on renovations, the ESS can ensure a stronger, sustainable future for their nefarious needs! Not only that, but they can better serve the students that frequent the coffee shop, on the off-chance that the ESS doesn’t consist of supervillains! If that’s the case, then the ESS coffee shop’s renovations might actually benefit the student body loads!

Maybe I’m in the wrong for so quickly accusing the ESS of being supervillains. As far as I know, there are no superheroes in direct opposition to the ESS, so that’s a bit of a good sign. The WESEF is also pretty legitimate and proper, especially with the fact that the remainder of the competition’s money went to installing bicycle racks and improved water fountains. Everybody knows bicycles are totally innocuous and incapable of heinous crimes!

The facts do point toward these renovations being good-natured and to the benefit of the students. If that is the case, then congratulations! These mystery “ENV kids” have done a great service for the students, and I’m sure this wasn’t something that came up over the course of an hour. There likely was a formal proposal, hours of research, and a lot of drumming up support. This is no easy feat, but you lot got the money, and now the ESS coffee shop is going to be better than ever.

Congratulations, you guys! I look forward to continuing to forget to visit the ESS coffeeshop, renovated or not. And if you guys have got me fooled and are actually supervillains? Well, gain control of the Earth’s rotations all you want, I really don’t know what that can do, unless your wicked, sinister plans include turning the Earth into a giant Beyblade.

[2012-03-23]

#congrats! #column #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #newspaper #imprint #env #es #wesef #grant #coffee shop #money

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] Sometimes, being premature is okay!

Anonymous writes:

Guess what. I finally finished university. Exciting huh? I am excited despite the lack of !!!! I am going to Cuba to celebrate. Until then I will be taking naps and watching hilarious episodes of Community.

Congratulations! You’re apparently done university! I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked, there were still a few weeks left of class, with exams as the cherry on top! I’m not sayin’ that you’re a liar – if you are, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE ON YOUR PANTS – but it seems slightly unlikely that you’d be done with classes this quickly!

But hey, this very well could be the one thing that people would want to come prematurely. Y’know, put in the hard labour, get the learning out of the way, then lay in bed lazily afterward, exhausted. If you speak the truth, then my gosh, did you get lucky or what?

One thing I do feel I should note: assuming you’re a student at the University of Waterloo (I mean this is for a column at UW), you’d know for a fact that you have to pass something called the ELPE. Y’know, something something proficient at the English language something. I don’t want to lecture you too thoroughly about your English usage – after all, my column’s name includes the word “superfantastic” – but there are only so many errors that one can overlook.

“Guess what” is an ineffective statement, as it should be worded as a question, and if you truly wanted me to guess, you’d have given me some time to guess! Put in a line break or something! Furthermore, what exactly is a “lack of !!!!” supposed to refer to? My best guess is that your sentence refers to a lack of the band “!!!” followed by an exclamation mark, but I’m not sure how many people listen to a band that is staggeringly difficult to look up on Google. Otherwise, I can’t think of any explanation for “!!!!” – maybe there are no exclamation marks in Cuba? Shame on you, Mr. Castro.

However, nitpicking at your one sentence doesn’t change the fact that you’re done university! Chances are, you turned on the good grammar just for the ELPE. I don’t know about the full extent of your post-graduate plans – maybe napping and watching Community is indeed a valid career path – but hey, at least you’ve got some semblance of a plan! Planning is important, and I know this to be fact because the University of Waterloo has a program dedicated to planning!

Thus, with a reasonably sound plan in place, if you can carry it out successfully, I daresay you might be on track for a good time! Judging from statistics derived from both students and old people, naps are good for you and frequently taken! That alone is worth a high five, though if I tried to high five you while napping, it might just look like assault.

Regardless, congratulations on finishing university! I hope you enjoy your hopefully-well-planned-out trip in Cuba. Keep your composure, don’t lose control of the situation, and keep your head in the game – but if for some reason you make a mistake, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE IN YOUR PANTS.

[2012-03-16]

#column #community #congrats! #cuba #television #university #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #vacation #imprint #newspaper

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] Hell Week: like every other week, but unpleasant

Anonymous writes:

I survived my hell week!

Oh, the university life: eat, sleep, and study. As enjoyable as university can get, eventually we reach that point in the term where all the important assignments and assessments suddenly pile on, resulting in a stressful period frequently known as “hell week.” Of course, it varies depending on your schedule, but you understand the feeling – long nights, a diet centred around caffeine and junk food, mountains of textbooks and notes – it’s far from a relaxing endeavour.

The obvious thing to say now would be, “Hooray! Congratulations! Good job! Your hell week is over!”

It is indeed easy to kick back, relax, and coast at this point. But oh, I think I see some holes in your statement, and I’m not referring to Louis Sachar’s award-winning novel Holes, which was eventually adapted for film starring a pre-Transformers fame Shia LaBeouf. Unfortunately, your statement is neither a Newbery Medal winner nor a Hollywood movie.

You’re anonymous. By all means, that’s fine. Not everyone needs to be acknowledged by name, and I’ve congratulated plenty of anonymous people in the past. The nature of anonymity, however, is that I know nothing about you! When hell week is inherently tied to one’s schedule, it is difficult to gauge the severity of one’s hell week when there is no way to frame what that schedule might look like!

I don’t know your name, I don’t know your program, I don’t know what year you’re in, and I simply do not know what you do. Heck, I don’t even know if you’re a single entity! As far as I’m concerned, you could be the Anonymous collective (y’know, the one with the hacking and the Internet), or you could just be a small group of students. If you’re plural, does that mean you had hell weeks? Hell Weeks sounds like an unfortunately-named minor league athlete.

Assuming you are a post-secondary student, it’s a good start to have survived hell week. I question your wording, however. If hell week had gone without a hitch, you wouldn’t say you survived it, you would’ve stated you did well! Where did your confidence go? Where’s that sassy Anony that we all came to know and love? You should reconsider your current state, gather yourself, and make a return in full force!

Another thing: hell week, as it is for most university students, consists of a heavy course workload. That’s acceptable, yes, but what happens in the event that something worse happens? What if some sort of disaster strikes and humanity is crippled?

Say, a nuclear catastrophe occurs, much of mankind is wiped out, and those left alive must deal with abnormally hot temperatures and a desolate wasteland? Does that count as a hell week? Then, what happens if, in this wasteland, a hybrid mangoat prances around with a pitchfork and comically red skin? What is beyond your threshold of “hell week?”

I am stretching this well into the realm of hyperbole for the sake of discussion. Chances are, your hell week of coursework will be the worst you will have to endure at least within the near future. In the case that the fall of mankind is a reality, then yes, of course calling a week of midterms “hell week” is a bit ridiculous.

However, it’s all about perspective – right now, we live in a reasonably tame world, and the biggest thing that was on your mind was schoolwork. However, that’s gone and done with, and you can move on with your life, so high five yourself! Not in the face, silly.

Regardless of the what-ifs I’ve mentioned, you have ultimately survived hell week. If something should come up, hopefully you’ll be slightly more prepared to deal with it, should it arise. Congratulations on getting past that week! If you are unlucky enough to have a schedule where hell week has yet to pass, take a copy of this week’s Imprint, put it somewhere safe, wait ‘til your hell week is over, then retrieve your old, probably now-yellow and crinkly copy of Imprint, and reread this column. If this column fails to do anything for you, then at the very least, you can giggle at the prospect of pizza cats.

Heh. Pizza cats.

[2012-03-09]

#congrats! #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #newspaper #imprint #column #hell week #school #exams

Posted by ronroninabox