[COLUMN] It’s not a trap! It’s a surprise.

Benjamin writes:

I managed to plan the perfect weekend for my girlfriend’s birthday. I planned to bring her to the Maple Syrup Festival on Saturday, March 24th, 2012. Her birthday was just before the weekend so I surprised her by writing the itinerary into the cover of her birthday card. It was perfect – no spelling mistakes. On Saturday, March 24th, we headed down to Elmira to attend the Maple Syrup Festival. When we arrived, we saw a sign that said, “Maple Syrup Festival – March 31st, 2012.” It was perfect – for the following weekend.

So to sum it up, I’d like to be congratulated on the perfect surprise birthday for my girlfriend that was actually not perfect, won’t be a surprise by the time her birthday comes around, and won’t be close to her birthday. Perfect.

Congratulations, Benjamin! You are terrible at planning! If you were a wedding planner, not only would you look nothing like Jennifer Lopez, you would probably be out of a job! If you were an urban planning student, your homework would probably consist of pictures of rappers and hip-hop artists! If I was a cat that spoke in puns, your girlfriend’s birthday weekend would not have been purrfect.

I’ll give you some credit – you did provide a perfect birthday card, and the surprise was decently implemented. Given your error-free itinerary, I am reasonably certain that you’ve passed your ELPE, and that you have some level of carefulness! Furthermore, you had some element of surprise on your side, and I’m sure you had a leg up on your girlfriend. I don’t know if you’d make Admiral Ackbar shout, “IT’S A TRAP,” but I’m sure you’d at least startle his big, fishy face.

However, a strong start means nothing if you drop the ball midway through and don’t pick it back up. You seem to be channeling the Toronto Maple Leafs, because you seemed to have done so well, only to neglect finishing the job halfway through. What good is a surprise if there’s nothing to actually surprise your girlfriend with? It’s like setting up a grand, impressive bar mitzvah, only to realize you’ve hired a priest instead of a rabbi – it’s an extremely awkward letdown.

I am heaping nothing but bad words upon you, Benjamin, so I apologize. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re like any other dude with the name “Ben,” but you’re 100% more jammin’! Terrible name-pun aside, you do have a moderately interesting story to retell, assuming you’re okay with being the butt of the joke. I have good news for your girlfriend, however, so please kindly stop reading and pass your copy of Imprint over to your girlfriend right meow.

Congratulations, Benjamin’s girlfriend! Your boyfriend will never be a warlord, or a successful one, at least. This is probably good news for you! People who aren’t warlords have a higher chance of long-term survival than those who are warlords! I don’t have any scientific backing for this claim yet, but considering that people who aren’t warlords aren’t constantly in peril, I’d daresay they’ll survive just a wee bit longer than the average warlord!

I know there’s a small niche of ladies out there that prefer big, hulking warlords. That’s great and all, but in this day and age, most people settle things diplomatically, with words and money! You’ve seen Benjamin try to be sneaky – can you imagine that in a wartime setting? Clearly, Benjamin would not be the one leading a risky ambush on the Imperial Empire. You’d leave that to the trained Jedi Knights!

But does Benjamin’s lack of stealth and surprise put him at a disadvantage? Absolutely not! Look at what he’s done for you already: he’s given you a birthday card perfect in all respects, he put the effort into planning a surprise weekend, and for all I know, he piggybacked you all the way to Elmira!

The execution may not have been perfect, but in this case, it’s the effort that counts. Between the meticulous detail in your birthday card, the piggyback ride, and the audacity to write a friggin’ essay asking to be congratulated, your boyfriend Benjamin might not be a warlord, but he’s certainly a keeper. Congrats, Benjamin’s girlfriend! I hope you two get to enjoy all the maple syrup you want.

Oh, and happy birthday, I guess?

[2012-03-30]

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Posted by ronroninabox