[COLUMN] Sometimes, being premature is okay!

Anonymous writes:

Guess what. I finally finished university. Exciting huh? I am excited despite the lack of !!!! I am going to Cuba to celebrate. Until then I will be taking naps and watching hilarious episodes of Community.

Congratulations! You’re apparently done university! I don’t know about you, but the last time I checked, there were still a few weeks left of class, with exams as the cherry on top! I’m not sayin’ that you’re a liar – if you are, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE ON YOUR PANTS – but it seems slightly unlikely that you’d be done with classes this quickly!

But hey, this very well could be the one thing that people would want to come prematurely. Y’know, put in the hard labour, get the learning out of the way, then lay in bed lazily afterward, exhausted. If you speak the truth, then my gosh, did you get lucky or what?

One thing I do feel I should note: assuming you’re a student at the University of Waterloo (I mean this is for a column at UW), you’d know for a fact that you have to pass something called the ELPE. Y’know, something something proficient at the English language something. I don’t want to lecture you too thoroughly about your English usage – after all, my column’s name includes the word “superfantastic” – but there are only so many errors that one can overlook.

“Guess what” is an ineffective statement, as it should be worded as a question, and if you truly wanted me to guess, you’d have given me some time to guess! Put in a line break or something! Furthermore, what exactly is a “lack of !!!!” supposed to refer to? My best guess is that your sentence refers to a lack of the band “!!!” followed by an exclamation mark, but I’m not sure how many people listen to a band that is staggeringly difficult to look up on Google. Otherwise, I can’t think of any explanation for “!!!!” – maybe there are no exclamation marks in Cuba? Shame on you, Mr. Castro.

However, nitpicking at your one sentence doesn’t change the fact that you’re done university! Chances are, you turned on the good grammar just for the ELPE. I don’t know about the full extent of your post-graduate plans – maybe napping and watching Community is indeed a valid career path – but hey, at least you’ve got some semblance of a plan! Planning is important, and I know this to be fact because the University of Waterloo has a program dedicated to planning!

Thus, with a reasonably sound plan in place, if you can carry it out successfully, I daresay you might be on track for a good time! Judging from statistics derived from both students and old people, naps are good for you and frequently taken! That alone is worth a high five, though if I tried to high five you while napping, it might just look like assault.

Regardless, congratulations on finishing university! I hope you enjoy your hopefully-well-planned-out trip in Cuba. Keep your composure, don’t lose control of the situation, and keep your head in the game – but if for some reason you make a mistake, then for the love of god do something about the FIRE IN YOUR PANTS.

[2012-03-16]

#column #community #congrats! #cuba #television #university #university of waterloo #uwaterloo #vacation #imprint #newspaper

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] Adult Mode: ACTIVATE

Leslie writes:

I’ve been on vacation in Barbados since January 6th! Sure, my friend and I have missed a good week of school or so, but with constant classes, volunteering, and employment, we need a break, and we just so happen to like the sun.

Leslie, you have a Facebook account, right? Of course you do, you’re a youngster; youngsters love to use Facebook and the Internet. If you’ve been paying attention to the status updates of your acquaintances at other universities – assuming that you have acquaintances at other universities – you’ll have noticed a lot of complaining about the first week of classes.

Now, the average University of Waterloo student will scoff at that! “Oh, we’ve already been in class for a week, suck it up!” But you? That probably doesn’t apply to you, because of that vacation thing of yours. But since you’re on vacation, you probably don’t care about school right now, and I think I initially had a point I was trying to make except what the heck are you doing don’t you have school or priorities I am so confused by your course of action seriously what the heck is going on with your life.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but there’s a little part of me that is full of strange mothering instincts. These strange mothering instincts tell me that it is okay to lash out at people with bold font and zero punctuation, but not okay to go take a vacation in Barbados at the beginning of the semester. I highly doubt we live in a post-apocalyptic Children of Men-esque society in which I am the only one with mothering tendencies, so I am reasonably certain some of you are also a tad confused.

And yet, it is because of these strange mothering instincts that I must wholeheartedly congratulate you, Leslie! Many people follow the words of others religiously, be it their parents, their extended family, their friends, or anyone else. You are an exception to this case, what with your trip to Barbados and all.

In spite of whatever commitments you might need to attend to, you decided that a trip to Barbados was what you wanted, and you went for it. This ability to make crucial decisions for yourself is laudable. You’re growing up, Leslie! While your body might not be going through changes like the last time you were “growing up,” you’re learning to do more with what you have by your own accord!

Just because you haven’t overthrown the pre-existing Barbadian government and ascended to the throne of the New Barbadian Empire doesn’t mean your trip isn’t worth a high five. Making a massive decision like this sets a precedent for you. When a difficult situation comes knocking, you won’t have to run away from it or defer it to someone else. You’ll stand up, and you’ll be able to make that tough call, because you’re a big girl now!

How often are people able to make decisions like these? Opting to go on vacation at the beginning of the term is daunting. Many of us have difficulty with simpler decisions, like what to eat for breakfast, what to wear to class, or whether or not to re-read last week’s You Are Superfantastic! column for the sixteenth time. In fact, many of us probably don’t even realize we’re pretty much all adults here, and we can do as we please. First year or fourth, we’re all at that stage of life where we don’t need our parents to hold our hand (though it is pretty awesome).

Congratulations, Leslie! You’re old enough to do what you want. You’re all grown up, and you don’t have to bend to every whim of someone else. I’m sure you’re aware of the consequences of going on vacation at the beginning of term, and I’m sure you’ve made preparations to compensate for those missed classes. You understand the weight of your actions, and you know how to react to it.

To paraphrase a line from xkcd, hey why does that Irresponsibly Optimistic comic look just like us you’re an adult now, and it’s your turn to decide what that means, and what you’re going to do about it.

[2012-01-13]

#congrats! #column #imprint #university of waterloo #newspaper #adult #barbados #vacation #school #holiday #uwaterloo

Posted by ronroninabox

Happy Civic Holiday, Canadians!

youaresuperfantastic:

OMG U SO PUNNAY

Canadians far and wide on this special day will observe a day of rest! A day of relaxation! A day of regular work and unholidayness if you live in Quebec, Newfoundland and Labrador or the Yukon! Y’know, those dudes don’t celebrate Civic Holiday! But for the rest of Canada, huzzah! Long weekend for the win!

I even went onto the Wikipedia page for Civic Holiday, and I’ve decided to pull out key facts about this particular holiday!

Civic Holiday’s Wikipedia Entry said:

Unlike most holidays, there is not much of a reason for the Civic Holiday to exist,

Oh. Um. That’s kinda unfortunate. And kinda mean, Wikipedia. What’s wrong with you?

Civic Holiday’s Wikipedia Entry said:

Thus, the contrived holiday was

OUCH, dude, another low blow! How will Canadians be able to relax and take a day off, knowing that there is not much of a reason for Civic Holiday to exist, AND that it’s contrived? Jeez, so cold.

Civic Holiday’s Wikipedia Entry said:

Although a work holiday is given to employees of the federal and many municipal governments, the provincial government has not defined this day as a statutory holiday and it is not mentioned in either Ontario’s Employment Standards Act or Retail Business Holidays Act.

Annnnnnnnnnnnd even one of Canada’s provincial governments gives Civic Holiday the shaft.

FRET NOT, CANADIANS! Wikipedia and the Ontarian Government might be dicks, but hey! IT IS STILL CIVIC HOLIDAY, AND YOU ARE STILL ON BREAK (unless you aren’t)! Enjoy your day, folks, and I hope that you honk at the first Honda Civic you see today.

Roughly a year later, it’s Civic Holiday again! After looking over the post again, I took a peek at the Civic Holiday Wikipedia Entry, only to be disappointed that the first two scathing remarks had been removed! OH WELL. The See Also section totally has this though:

Civic Holiday’s Wikipedia Entry said:

Christmas in July, a similarly contrived (though unofficial) holiday

Subtle, but I think the sentiment remains.

If you’re on holiday today, have a good one! If you’re not, have a good one anyway!

#congrats! #laziest post ever #I know #civic holiday #honda civic #holiday #vacation #long weekend #christmas #wikipedia #car

Posted by ronroninabox

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaymn, Canada, youse is kinda old, grrrrrl

Youse is what, 144 years old? Man that’s like, the square of 12 or summin crazy like that! Shouldn’t you be in some sort of nursing home?

But y’know what? Das okay to me, because man, for a 144 year old, youse is lookin’ pretty fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine to me. You all up in that great white north, and you be rollin’ deep in that freehealthcareswag and. um.

Alright, I’m going to stop typing like that, because I already want to punch myself in the face until I either pass out from blood loss or stop and realize a pretty girl is staring awkwardly at me. BUT HEY! It’s Canada Day! Happy birthday Canada!

In an attempt to do more for Canada Day than I did last year (which really isn’t hard to top at all), here are some fun facts about Canada:

• This website is Canadian! Or at the very least, the dude who runs this website (me) is Canadian, and therefore, the site is SOMETIMES CANADIANLIKE.
• I have the tendency to go off and celebrate during Canada Day! Y’know, spend time with the famiry! Thus, Canada Day posts (and by extension, Independence Day) are generally rather short and quick!
• Furthermore, Independence Day posts are kinda awkward for me, because I don’t know that much about USA! I didn’t know you guys had a specific day to celebrate one of Will Smith’s many movies!
• Canada is old! Yeah! 144! 144! 144!

Anyway, I hope all of y’all enjoy your day off, and if you’re American, have fun a few days later with Independence Day, and if you’re neither Canadian nor American, then have some soup! Do you eat your soup or do you drink your soup! Ha ha! I don’t know! Why don’t you figure that out and tell us when we get back from Canada Day?

#congrats! #canada day #canada #usa #united states of america #holiday #old #free health care #vacation

Posted by ronroninabox

[COLUMN] A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES

Not sure if anyone remembers this, but some time back, I posted a crappy cell phone picture of some words and my big dumb face. It just so happens that the photo was of my first column with Imprint, the University of Waterloo’s student newspaper!

But because I was a bit of a lazy jerk, that photo was the only thing you saw of that column! If you wanted to read what I wrote in print, you had to squint at that blurry pic! What a silly move on my part, yeh?

But in a move to share words with you, I’ll be posting up my columns here on the site for all of y’alls to see! Sure, you could visit the Imprint website but I’m sure you guys are lazy and don’t want to click additional links, so eh. I’ll even throw in a pic of the column, just so y’alls know it was actually in print, and also to serve as a constant reminder that I’m just a university student, so if I sometimes don’t post, you can blame it on the educational system!

Also, my big dumb face is kinda funnylooking. Here’s the post:

Anonymous said:

Summer’s awesome! I’ve got four months of absolutely nothing before I have to go back to university! Hurrah!

Congratulations! You’ve gotten through lectures, tutorials and exams, and now you’re home free! All the stress that comes with being a university student – studying, midterms and finals, extracurriculars, the co-op job search – none of this is applicable to you. You’ve got four months to piss away, and you’ve earned that right to piss that time away.

However, I must play the devil’s advocate here. I am not saying that I am satanic, nor am I saying that I am your mother, but perhaps there could be a better use of your time? While I am all for excessive video gaming over holidays, four months is ultimately a long time to let go to waste. You could always find time in between Portal 2 play-throughs to get a part-time job and earn a little money to soften that UW tuition. Alternatively, you could worsen your tuition and take a course or two over the summer.

There’s also travelling, because it turns out that the world is actually pretty big and there are many places you could visit! But at the very least, you could pick up some hobbies or activities. You could start playing some sports, catch up on some reading, or write a column for Imprint.

Oh wait, I totally did that last one. Let’s do some introductions:

You Are Superfantastic! is a column about you! More specifically, it’s about congratulating you! Everybody goes through trials and tribulations of varying intensity, and at the end of the day, sometimes people just deserve that little pat on the back. A little recognition here and there never hurt anyone. The process is simple: let us know of an accomplishment of any sort, wait a little bit, and boom! You will find yourself suddenly congratulated with as much gusto as possible.

But enough about this column, and more about you. You’ve got four months on your hands. I’m sure you can think of something to do, and I am sure you can think of something better to be congratulated for! It doesn’t matter to me whether or not you’re on campus right now or not, anyone is game to be congratulated so long as there is something to be congratulated!

But hey, what you do with your time is up to you. You’ve sat through all that the university has to offer for you, and now you’re on break. You’ve earned the time to yourself, and you’re free to do what you see fit with it. Whether you want to get a job, travel, take summer school or just loaf for the entire four months, it’s your choice. It’s your summer. Congrats for getting through the year, and enjoy your time off.

[2011-05-20]

#congrats! #column #imprint #university of waterloo #newspaper #university #summer #vacation #portal #school #uwaterloo

Posted by ronroninabox